Things Not To Do At The SGC
by gothfeary
Summary: There are some things you just shouldn't do... And why did the third word in rule number two get censored? Fer cryin out loud! Now rerated to allow certain words.
1. Page 1

**Disclaimer:** This is soooo not mine! If it was.  
**A/N:** This is kinda a sequel to "Pick-Up Lines from the SGC." Or you could take it as a stand alone, whatever...

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The day the pick-up lines list was taken down, a new list was started. (Most of the base suspects Ferretti.) New rules were added each day, from the Tokra, the Asgard, and the Atlantis Expedition, among others.

**_-Page 1-_**

**1) Don't die!**

_(I don't care how often Daniel does it, you are not to stop breathing! -Landry)_

**2) Do NOT piss off the female staff during a base wide lock down.**

**a) OR during that "Time of the Month.**

_(They have no chocolate and probably some large threat to deal with. We don't want Carter busy trying to kill some dumb Airman, when she should be saving out sorry butts! -Jack)_

**3) Do _not_ hide or horde Siler's' Duct Tape.**

_(People, I need that stuff to fix the gate! -Siler)_

**4) Plan A never works, plan B rarely works, plan C is almost always the best.**

**a) Always have a back up people; Carter can't save your asses all the time. **

**b) Or McKay.**

_(There, happy Elizabeth? -Jack)_

**5) Decaf coffee is now banned in all but the infirmary.**

Eight personnel ended up in the infirmary last time someone attempted to get everyone of caffeine. Janet was not impressed. Or Daniel. Or Carter.

**6) All bets are to be placed with Ferretti.**

**a) All betting is to stay on Earth.**

**b) This means you SG-14.**

SG-14 hung their heads in shame, remembering how their bickering over the odds of how long it would be until Daniel died again, had allowed Jaffa to ambush them. They came running back through the gate bleeding and bruised.

**7) "How bad could it be?" "Nothing could go wrong now" or "What could possibly go wrong?" are never to be said.**

_(We should not have to say this people. -Sam)_

SG-2 said it on their last mission, and the world they were on actually exploded.

**8) The Ori are not to be referred to as "wannabe Sauramons.**

**a) Nor are you to point and shout "Look, it's the white Wizard!" at the Priors.**

Mitchell grinned when he read this. First diplomatic mission off-world, and he already made the list.

**9) The name of your tailor is not an answer in a Goa'uld interrogation.**

**a) This means you, Daniel.**

**b) And you Mitchell.**

**c) And you Sam.**

_(I expected better of you. Stealing my line…fercryinoutloud -Jack)_

**10) Grenades are not toys. DO NOT play catch with them.**

**a) Knock it off SG-3.**

SG-3 had the brilliant idea to play catch with their grenades. SG-3 and grenades. "Oh **_shit_**!" had been the term best used to describe the incident

**11) Please refrain from signing "I know a song that gets one everybody's nerves" off-world. It will just piss the natives off.**

SG-27 had been board. The marines, trying to piss their civilian scientist off, decided to begin signing. Loudly, and off-key. The locals, who had been simply observing from up in the trees, became extremely annoyed after the 30th time. The marines were pelted with coconuts all the way back to the gate.

**12) Just because I did it, doesn't mean you can.**

SG-15 had been under the impression that they could take down a Goa'uld mother ship themselves. Luckily, the Tokra had several operatives on-board who managed to get them out of their holding cells.

**13) Don't anger the Russians. Seriously.**

SG-19 had started a prank war with SGR-12. It was finally called off by Col. Carter after they somehow managed to convince the cooks to make nothing but borscht for two weeks strait.

**14) Disturb the miniature room at you own risk.**

The Science Department had taken to bringing in model kits over the last few years, and working on them when ever there was a base-wide lock-down and they had nothing to do. The collection of finished pieces grew until finally General Hammond had approved the use of a storage room. It was the pride and joy of the Science Department. Carter had even threatened to break the arm of whoever touched her model of the Golden Gate Bridge.

**15) If Carter can't do it, chances are you can't either.**

**a) Or McKay.**

O'Neill had grudgingly added that one at the request of Dr. Weir. Something about Rodney managing to power the Atlantis shields…

Carter blushed and dismissed the rule. Apparently Rodney just got smug.

**16) ATA gene carriers are not lab rats.**

**a) Especially me!**

Jack lost count of how often he was called down to the labs, or Area 51 to test some little do-dad the SGC found.

**17) For the safety of everyone on base, please stay in the infirmary until the Doctor says you can leave.**

_(I have needles! -Dr. Lam)_

Mitchell just laughed, remembering a terrified General O'Neill hiding from his "booster shot" after breaking out of the infirmary 3 days early.

**18) If you're children have the chicken pox, please stay home.**

Feretti's youngest daughter caught it at day care. He carried the virus to the leader of a very advanced and "friendly" race of Aztecs. She accused the SGC of trying to kill her. The day after she had been cleared to go home, the SGC found they were unable to establish a wormhole.

**19) If at first you don't succeed, run like hell.**

You usually only get one shot at killing the bad guys. So run away before they figure out what's' going on.

**20) If you don't know what the button does DON'T PUSH IT!**

SGA-1 was now hiding from the rest of Atlantis. Rodney dared John to push a button in a new-found lab. John took the dare. Everyone outside the lab turned bright pink.

**_-End Page 1-_**


	2. Page 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my ticket to GateCon2007 in Vancouver!

A/N: Wow, I never expected the amount of feed back I have been getting. I mean, really... it's a little overwhelming! I keep getting requests to continue and to keep "Pick-Up Lines from Stargate Command" up. I'm not sure if I'll keep "Pick-Up Lines" going, but I plan to get this one to 100 as well.

****

-Page 2-

21) Star Trek is not to be quoted off-world.

a) Nor are the Captains of the Prometheus or the Dedalus to be called Kirk.

(I'm talking about you Combes. -Jack)

(It was only one reference! -Combes)

(That got us attacked by the paranoid natives who were scared of Klingon invasions! -Jack)

22) Pets are not to be acquired off-world.

SG-11 found a "cute and fluffy" Jackalope. An honest to God freaking Jackalope. That had very Monty Python-like qualities: as in sharp pointy teeth, a very short temper and the tendency to be very protective of his new 'family'. When it was ordered sent back through the Gate, five airmen ended up in the infirmary before the General relented and allowed SG-11 to keep "Floppy". Floppy is now feared by all.

23) Any pets are to be kept away from visiting Senators.

(I still can't believe Floppy bit Kinsey! -Daniel)

(I knew I brought that little guy back for a reason! -Lt. Hailey)

24) If a food is offered to you and ONLY you, DO NOT EAT IT!

Every one on Earth flashed back to the time O'Neill was infected with aging nanites. The Atlantis Expedition just snickered and remembered the laxatives the priestess of MGR-247 slipped into the soup she made just for Rodney after he grabbed her butt.

25) If it's shiny, it's explosive.

SG-1 learned that in their _first_ month of off-world missions.

26) Foamy the Squirrel is not to be quoted off-world.

SG-23 broke out into "I'm the Lord and Master" immediately after stepping through the gate onto P47-264. The local believed them, and created a new religion around their new Lords and Masters, out of fear of having their eyes stabbed until they bleed. No one was sure who was more scared, the primitive locals, or SG-23 after Gen. O'Neill flew in from D.C to personally chew them out.

27) Do not point out that the Asgard are naked.

It just irritates them.

(Let me point out: interstellar hyper-drive, kinda new. So the last thing we need is for Hermoid to storm off. -Rodney)

28) Don't teach the Asgard to swear.

They can't do it with out sounding funny. So don't try.

(The next two are from **BookWorm37**, one of my most loyal reviewers!)

30) If you're at the dessert table and there is only ONE left of a specific dessert you are NOT - I repeat NOT - allowed to take that item just to piss of whatever member of SG-1 (past or present) for whom that item is stocked at the commissary!

a) We are talking about you SG-5.

(Stay the hell away from my cake! -Jack)

(I have level Three Advanced in hand-to-hand combat. Stay away from my Jell-O. -Sam)

SG-5 has gone into hiding. At the Alpha site, just to be safe.

31) If the natives like your yo-yo, let them keep your yo-yo. It's not worth the hassle to get it back when you can buy a new one at the local toy shop.

a) Atlantis, you're on your own.

John spent two weeks sulking about the loss of his green yo-yo. He didn't cheer up until Gen. O'Neill sent him a whole case.

32) If your computer gets a virus, assume it may be alive.

a) Better safe than sorry.

b) Or possessed.

Both Col. Carter and Dr. McKay now shudder at the very memory of a virus.

33) When the doctor tells you to put on sunscreen, DO IT.

Airman Michaels now had scarring on the bridge of his nose from the _THIRD DEGREE_ sun burn he got on MR5-433. Dr. Beckett still won't let him live it down.

34) MacGyver jokes. Just no.

No one is really sure why Gen. O'Neill put that one up. No one has had the courage to ask.

35) If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck... chances are it's an evil over lord trying to kill you.

(Once again, it's better safe than sorry. -Jack)

(So, we should be afraid of ducks now? -Cam)

(It's a metaphor! -Jack)

36) Stop trying to kill McKay.

a) This means you Dr. Lydia Winters.

b) and you Lorne.

(I mean it. -Weir)

(He touches Fuzzums again, and I won't be held responsible. -Winters)

**37) Fireworks are not to be taken off world.**

SG-3 (now no longer allowed to carry grenades unless accompanied by another SG team), had decided to play with fireworks on P18-447. The forest fire was put out by the Prometheus using a combination of beaming technology and a near-by lake. SG-3 are now not allowed near any type of fire.

38) Don't beam up people when they are in the middle of a conversation!

(Jack, do you actually think Thor will listen to this? -Sam)

(I can only ho-)

Thor did it again. The base is now on high alert.

39) Natives are not to be taught the drinking game "F--- You".

SG-1 was actually responsible for that rule. Col. Mitchell has a deck of cards, and the locals of P99-M16 were very into drinking whiskey for really any reason. Daniel said it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Gen. Landry didn't punish them, as they still got the trade agreement with only one minor change: Aspirin, and lots of it, for the locals.

40) There is no rule #40.

No one was too sure about this one. All anyone knew was Gen. Landry was pissed at SG-1 and SG-2.

****

-End Page 2-

A/N 2: I have a crazy busy month coming up, so I may not be able to update very often. Plus the fact that I decided to do 20 rules a page instead of 10 like I did for my last fic.

Special Thanks to:

BiteMeTechie: I loved Dr. Winters, so I wrote her into my story! I highly recommend to everyone to go read her story "Retribution"!

The Sithspawn: Always there to review and point out my bad spelling! XD

Ravenrockstheworld: Oh, yes. Pink. I mean, what else would the Ancients paint someone who was silly enough to push a random button?

allaboutthegate: My first reviewer for this story! Love ya tons for your mad support!

Romulus Magnus: Glad to know you love my work!

This chapter is for all the people I just thanked, and everyone I haven't yet thanked!

-Kat

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	3. Page 3

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me... However; I'm planning on checking E-Bay to see if I can buy the rights to the show! After all, you can find _anything_ on E-Bay!

Nothing belongs to me... However; I'm planning on checking E-Bay to see if I can buy the rights to the show! After all, you can find on E-Bay! 

**A/N:** I realised I made a few important mistakes in the last two chapters, so I went back and (finally) fixed them, so you might want to re-read them.

**-Page 3-**

**41) If you are captured by a female Goa'uld, don't ask her if her pimp knows where she is.**SG-7 was tortured slowly for that once Kali managed to learn what a pimp was. Thankfully, SG-6 and SG-12 were able to get them free before too long.

42) Star Wars is not to be talked about. Ever.

a) Or Star Trek.

b) Or any TV show with the word "Star" in it.

So far, most of the base had been subjected to Teal'c going on (_and on_) about "the noble Jedi" or Silers' rants about how "Deep Space Nine" was an abomination in the Roddenberry universe.

(This one courtesy of **Furlings Live,** but I tweaked it a little!)

43) When in the presence of the Tokra, never refer to Jacob Carter as JC.

(This course of action will most likely get you shot. -Jack)

(It was only a Zat! -Jacob)

44) Do not stick your head into a piece of Alien technology.

(Things just pop into your fran and you have no clue it's happening. -Jack)

(Uh oh... -Daniel)

45) If you ask Carter out, chances are you will die.

(Hey! Not everyone died, Jack is still alive! -Sam)

(Not true, Jack has died. Plus, he'll kill anyone who comes near you. -Daniel)

(The man does have a point. -Cam)

46) Do not bring Rubix Cubes into a briefing.

This one came from Hammond and, was meant just for Jack O'Neill.

(This one is from **A. L. Ross**)

47) Do not, and I repeat DO NOT put lemon extract in Rodney's ice tea. It makes for hell in the infirmary!

(And that means you John! -Carson)

(Yeah! -Rodney)

(The next one is from **Hatake no Kuro Fenikkusu) **

48) Do not take Alcohol off-world.

a) That means you, Mitchell.

Last mission, Mitchell took tequila to P4X-678. Tequila+SG-1+alcohol-intolorent natives equals belly-flopping off cliffs.

49) Rugby is not to be played on base.

a) Or hockey.

b) Or tennis.

c) For full list of banned sports, see the notice board outside the General office.

Most of the SG teams were responsible for at least one sport on the list. SG-1 was, not surprisingly, responsible for the most.

50) The answer to a condescending Tokra is not "Sick em' Floppy!"

It took three airmen to get Floppy off Anise, and three more to get everyone to the infirmary for stitches and rabies shots. To be fair, Anise compared Lt. Hailey's' calculations of the radiation levels inside a cloaked Alkesh "the ramblings of an ignorant, arrogant and self-inflated child." Floppy was secretly rewarded with steak for weeks after by SG-1.

51) Just because most of these rules are meant for SG-1 doesn't mean everyone else can ignore them.

(Hey! That has got to be profiling, or something! -Mitchell)

(We were not at fault for most of the incidents mentioned. -Teal'c)

52) Do not refer to your team mate as a "chia pet"

a) Teal'c really hates that. Seriously.

53) Don't insult someone in another language unless you know they don't understand you.

Daniel was called a "_ben tian sheng de yi dui rou_," or a stupid inbred sack of meat, by the new Chinese scientist. Who was still sporting the black eye Daniel gave him, two weeks later.

54) Newbie's should listen to veteran base personnel.

a) Especially about the Goa'uld.

b) But even more so about the Ori!

This was just a given at this point.

55) Don't volunteer for any off-world rituals.

a) You could end up with a wife.

b) Or missing your hands...

SG-10 was just glad they managed to get Dr. Larissa out with all her limbs attached.

56) No one is permanently dead until after 5 years.

a) You have to give people time de-ascended.

It took a year for Daniel and 6 months for Janet to come back. No one even wanted to think about how Kowalski came back from the dead.

57) Don't try to beat Nature. You won't win.

SGA-1 was still refusing to talk about it.

58) Quit traveling through time. It creates too much paper work.

a) This means you SG-1

B) And you Dr. Weir.

(To be fair, it wasn't even me. -Elizabeth)

59) Explosives. Are. Not. For. Fishing.

SG-3, as well as being a team of pyros, is also apparently lazy. Everyone else just wondered what the hell was wrong with them. It was just getting silly how stupid they were with fire.

60) Do not drink the last of the coffee.

a) Dr McKay gets very pissed off when you do.

b) But nothing compares to what Dr. Jackson will do to you.

Atlantis was afraid of Rodney when they ran out of coffee in the early days of the expedition. Everyone back on Earth still jumped when they heard Dr. Jackson set down his coffee mug.

****

-End Page 3-


	4. Page 4

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me...YET!

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-Page 4-

60) Don't trust Hathor.

a) If you feel inclined to trust Hathor, ask a woman if it's a good idea.

(We know she has that mind controlling pheromone thing going on, but that's no real excuse. -O'Neill)

(So do what the man says, and not as he does! -Carter)

(That's insubordination! -Jack)

(Not if it's true! -Sam)

61) If someone tells you to go get some sleep, do it.

The SGC thought that whoever posted this one was talking about Carter and Daniel.  
Atlantis knew they were talking about the time John was on pain meds and decided to stay up for 4 days strait. Ronon actually had to knock him out after he ran thought the city in his boxers singing "We all live in a yellow submarine."

62) Don't call the Tokra "Goa'uld"

a) Or "Snake Heads"

(Only Gen. O'Neill is allowed to do that. -Jacob)

63) NO gambling with the natives.

a) No matter how amusing it is.

b) This means you SG-7!

SG-7 lost the following items to the natives of PTX-491: a razor, 60 bucks, a Simpson's poster, a hard rock CD, and a stuffed animal. A duck to be precise.

64) Please stop asking to rub Daniels' head for good luck.

(It's really distracting! -Daniel)

It was an unfortunate effect of blowing up a mother-ship 9 years ago. Once Jack started doing it, it just caught on.

65) Stop creating new religions on the planets you visit.

Everyone in Atlantis was issued this one. The official count was 33 new religions created. 10 by SGA-1 alone.

66) Do not point out the Silers' wrench is never used.

We all already know.

67) Do not mock people's fears.

a) Its called "pushing your luck."

b) Or the Ancients have a sick sense of humour.

SG-4 was making fun of Dr. Sellers' fear of rats. Turned out P52-X40 was _INFESTED_ with 5 foot rats, that weighed 200-pounds and _SWARMED_. Dr. Seller had to be carried back through the gate after becoming a babbling wreck.

68) Floppy needs to be bathed.

a) Regularly.

b) You brought it back; you take care of it SG-11.

Floppy was starting to smell like chicken. No one really knew why.

69) Stop hazing the newbies.

a) Shaving cream is not a toy.

SG-16 and 17 filled the boots off all the new recruits with shaving cream. Now everyone knew why there were sneaking around the night before humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

70) Bag Pipe music. No. Never.

a) I don't care if it's a part of your culture. It's annoying to the rest of the world.

(This is not fair. -Beckett)

(Get over it. -John)

71) If your team mate claims to be hearing voices, don't just dismiss them. They may be seeing real people.

a) Even if they do have a habit of going crazy every now and then.

b) Or they're on the verge of a psychotic break.

Daniel assumed everyone was talking about how his grandfather was in a mental institution for so long. Everyone else on Earth knew they _WERE_ talking about Daniel.  
On Atlantis, well... Everyone just snickered when they remembered 'McKay' kissing Beckett.

72) If you mess around with your 2IC during a time loop, make sure no one can see you or catch you. They might get their memories back after a de-ascension.

Two months ago more of Dr. Jackson's' memories came back. Including spending over 3 months trying to teach Jack and Teal'c Latin. As well as catching Jack and Sam in many-a-storage closets.

73) Stop betting about SG-1

a) Especially about whose' going to get hurt next.

b) And quit it with the match-making.

(It's staring to get creepy. -Sam)

74) Stop getting into fights about comics.

a) I don't care if you think Rogue can beat up Superman.

b) I REALLY don't care if you're offended by that idea.

The marines had to be called in when one group of scientists claimed that Marvel was better than DC. The other group took offence and an all out brawl took place in the mess.

75) Don't call Floppy a "cutesy little bunny-wunny"

a) Animals can tell when you're mocking them.

Floppy took yet another chunk out of Kinsey. Five stitches and rabies shot later, this rule went up.

76) "Donald Where's your Trousers?" by the Dust Rhinos is not to be sung off-world.

The new archaeologist assigned to SG-3 (now the only member allowed to carry C4 or grenades) was from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada and had brought a CD of her favourite local band with her off-world. SG-3 Loved the band, and proceeded to begin singing. The natives wanted to know why men on Earth did not wear pants.  
The General, as secret fan of the Rhinos himself, was privately glad she hadn't taught them "The Jedi Drinking Song"  
(**A/N**: The Dust Rhinos are a real band, and absolutely freaking amazing. Seriously, go out and download the Jedi Drinking Song, it's hysterical.)

77) Stop trying to build lightsabers.

a) Especially you Zelenkia.

If at all possible, Zelenkia was a bigger Star Wars fan than Teal'c. It was kinda scary. Especially after he blew-up part of Atlantis trying to make one.

78) Remember the 50-50-90 rule. If we have a 50-50 chance of success, 90 percent of the time, it will blow up.

a) Unless your SG-1.

b) or SGA-1

79) You are not a story teller. Do not start your reports with "Once upon a time"

a) Or "In a land far, far away"

Who do you think you are? Tolkin?

80) Nothing is ever impossible.

a) Atlantis deals with Evil Space Vampires.

b) Daniel was kidnapped by a Space Pirate.

c) There really is a Sword in the Stone.

d) Do we need to go on?

-End Page 4-

A/N:  
# 60 is dedicated to **TallerSister.**  
# 63 was submitted by **Ravenrockstheworld.  
**That's all really...now shoo, go off and continue reading Fan Fiction!  
XOXO Kat

# 60 is dedicated to # 63 was submitted by That's all really...now shoo, go off and continue reading Fan Fiction!XOXO Kat 


	5. Page 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing... that whole E-Bay thing was a bust! ;.;

A/N: Sorry it took so long, I was in shock about Stargate's cancellation. Then I went on a letter writing crusade! But, here is the last chapter. I have kind of run out of inspiration, so give me any ideas you have and I'll keep going.

A/N2: I actually have 5 new pick-up lines written, so I might be posting another page!

****

-Page 5-

81) Don't use you team mate as "Wraith Bait"

To say Ronon was not impressed with John on their last mission was an understatement John is currently in hiding.

82) When Carter is talking, shut-up.

(Chances are its important! -Jack)

83) Stop gagging your scientists.

a) This means you too Atlantis!

b) But SG-9 most of all!

Dr. McKay had the same bad habit as Dr. Malcolm of SG-9; they both didn't know when to shut up. So their team mates had taken drastic measures…

84) When writing a report, do not refer to the Wraith as "Uber-Vamps."

a) Nor are you to call Teyla "Buffy."

(We get it, the Wraith are vampires and Teyla can kick almost anyone's ass. -John)

(And what the hell is it with you people and that show? Gen. Landry)

85) Be careful of who you let "baby-sit" Floppy.

Teal'c and Floppy have bonded in way that everyone found extremely disturbing.

87) The prank wars end. Now.

SG-1 finally resorted to the unholy alliance of Teal'c and Floppy after someone (cough, SG-16, cough) painted them all bright blue. As in Smurf Blue.

88) Hammond is not to be referred to as "Buddha."

a) And don't ask to rub his tummy for good luck.

89) "Floppy ate my mission report" is no longer a valid excuse.

Cam was disappointed to see that one go up.

90) The "shoot first, question later" approach to a situation is never a good idea.

John Sheppard and Jack O'Neill were notorious for using that method.

91) Drinking songs don't go off world.

SG-21 was responsible for this one after "South Australia" became a national hit on the radio of PR4-673.

92) "Fine" is not the answer to a doctors question.

SG teams tended to use the word "fine" to describe everything from a staff blast wound to a paper-cut. The word became the bane of the medical departments' existence.

93) Heavy metal is not "easy listening". Don't play it during a crisis.

a) We will sic Floppy and Teal'c on you.

b) Or Lt. Hailey.

Everyone feared them. Everyone.

Ba'al was attacking the Stargate using some weapon he stole from Anubis. Dr. Bryant felt some music would help everyone relax. He was the only one that found "Mega Death" relaxing. 6 hours later, he was found duct-taped to a chair in his office.

94) When talking about Earth, DO NOT mention the following:

a) Dracula

b) The Wolf Man

c) King Kong

d) Godzilla

e) Pokemon

f) For a full list, see the General.

The natives of many planets were afraid to visit Earth.

95) Don't hide Daniels' laptop.

a) It does not bode well for you if you do.

Daniel was almost as scary as Jack when he was pissed off.

96) Cinnamon buns are not a meal.

(Sam you have to eat more than cinnamon buns and blue jell-o -Janet)

(I do! I take vitamins! -Sam)

(Not good enough. -Jack)

She was then escorted to the commissary by four armed airmen. Jack and Janet then proceeded to force three plates of food down her throat.

97) Bugs are to be treated with respect and fear.

No one could forget the Replicators.

And then there was the planet with the 5-food spiders. And the giant slug planet… Rodney still woke up screaming about the 9-inch termites.

98) Don't tease people who can kick your ass.

Everyone already knew this. SG-16 thought it was a good idea to write it down anyway.

One local farmer thought he could grab Carters' butt and get away with it. His five broken bones proved he couldn't.

99) "It tastes like chicken" is not how you describe a new alien food to you team.

a) Everything tastes like chicken. Be specific.

(Why did that macaroni taste like chicken anyway? -Daniel)

(I don't think I really want to know. -Jack)

100) "Falling for the first time" by the Bare Naked Ladies is not our theme song.

a) Nor is our motto "The fundamental laws of the universe are for lesser people."

b) Officially.

-End Page 5-

-------

Jack stood back from the board and sighed with contentment. Everything that needed to be said had been said.

Or so he thought...

(Bwahahaha! It's the evil cliff-hanger! I can't do that to you guys... I'm trying to write another page, it's my personal way of trying to keep Stargate alive!)


	6. Page 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing... but I can dream!

A/N: Well, I started university this week, so there will be much time in between updates. Sorry, but Latin class is 3 times a week for 2 hours!

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-Page 6-

101) "SGC Pick-up lines" are not to actually be used.

Are you trying to blow an inter-galactic secret wide open!

102) Stop asking if we know where the Furlings are.

a) We don't.

b) No one does.

103) Oreos are not currency. Stop trading them off-world.

SG-2 found that the planet called Nirran lacked any sort of sugar plants. Therefore, they lacked cookies and candy. Oreos and Snickers bars are all they'll accept in trade from Earth now.

104) Cliff-diving is not an acceptable off-world activity.

Hammond nearly had a heart attack when he saw the UAV video of SG-16.

105) Vacation days are not an option. Get the hell out of this place at least once a year.

a) This means you, Samantha Carter.

b) Daniel Jackson as well.

106) Balloon animals are not as amusing when people have never seen or heard of a giraffe.

107) PETA members are not to lecture natives about their fur pelt cloths/ goods.

Dr. Peters was brought back through the Gate bound and gagged.

108) Game boys do not go off-world.

General O'Neill pretended not to read this one.

109) When the Tok'ra ask for a volunteer please refrain from raising your hand.

Everyone was just glad that Torren was able to turn SG-5 back before Floppy got hungry. But, they were so cute as hedgehogs.

110) Stop taping signs on the backs of SG-1.

Jack had not been pleased to find a sign that read "_Warning: May Cause Unnecessary Injury or Other Harmful Situations_." For some reason, Teal'c was the only member not to find himself wearing a sign.

111) Don't ask if the Asgard go to the bathroom.

a) There is such a thing as too much information.

(From **Mozie**)

112) Don't break a doo-hicky in Carter's Lab.

(It could be the one thing which saves our planet -Jack)

113) When introducing aliens to Earth culture don't start with the radio top 40.

a) Especially if any of the top 40 songs are by the Black Eyed Peas.

b) What are you trying to do? Traumatize them?

114) Any airmen must ask permission to date Cassandra Frasier.

a) Failure to ask any of the following: SG-1(past or present), Gen. Hammond, her mother Dr. Frasier, Selmak/Jacob, or the President, will result in actions you DON'T want to happen.

b) Also, Cassandra is NOT to know this rule exists, under the afore mentioned penalty.

Sam was scowling and muttering about Netu when she saw Lt. Ford hitting on Cassie just after his Atlantis debriefing.

115) Keep you victory dance urges to yourself.

SG-4 took down Kali about a month after the "pimp comment" Their victory dance distracted them long enough for her remain Jaffa to sneak up on them. They came back through the Gate beaten, bloody and brushed, wearing shit-eater grins.

116) Every time an ascended being comes thought the SGC, please stop shouting "Someone call the Ghostbusters!"

a) Its really annoying Oma.

(But Skaara thinks it's funny! -Daniel)

(What teenager doesn't love 'Ghostbusters', alien or not? -Jack)

(From **BookWorm37**)

117) "Another One Bites the Dust" is NOT to be played every single time a Goa'uld/Prior is killed by SG-1.

a) Carter and Daniel are rather tired of hearing that damn song every other week.

b) And so is the rest of the base.

118) Stop going and getting infected with the Broca Virus every time you want to jump your team mate.

a) This means you Sam and Jack.

Sam blushed and covered her face with her hands when this rule went up. Jack just grinned and told her it was how they managed to get around the Regs before the President gave them a pardon.

119) "Wormhole X-Treme" fan fiction has no place on this base.

Apparently Jack had found several sites dedicated to the "Colonel Danning/Dr. Levant" pairing. Which translated to Jack/Daniel... and that just creeped everyone out.**120) Stop stealing other peoples DVDs.**

This was more of a problem on Atlantis. Rodney had every season of "The New Red Green Show" on DVD that went missing... Four days later John found himself with split lip.

****

-End Page 6-

A/N 2: Sorry to any "Black Eyed Peas" fans I may have offended! I have nothing against them, but think about it... If you were moving to an ALIEN planet to be an inter-galactic super-hero, should the first song you ever hear on the radio really be "My Humps"

Torren first appeared in season 6, "Frozen". Just so you guys don't think I'm making up Tok'ra!

Oh, and actually, I am a fan of the Jack/Daniel pairing!


	7. Page 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing... but I can dream!  
**A/N:** I figure I should clear something up right now. Everything that I'm writing is AU, post season-9. (Having not seen any of season 10, I don't really know what all happened.) Janet is still alive, Sam and Jack found a way around the regs, and all is well in Atlantis.  
**A/N 2:** Yes, I know there were some BIG spelling/typing mistakes, but I wanted to get it out as soon as I was done typing... Turns out some of my readers attack...coddles the hand that nogigglingmajor bit Ok, so you didn't bite me, but you (among others) have asked me oh so nicely to continue! So, as you will see, the status has changed back to in-progress.

I own nothing... but I can dream! I figure I should clear something up right now. Everything that I'm writing is AU, post season-9. (Having not seen any of season 10, I don't really know what all happened.) Janet is still alive, Sam and Jack found a way around the regs, and all is well in Atlantis. Yes, I know there were some BIG spelling/typing mistakes, but I wanted to get it out as soon as I was done typing... Turns out some of my readers attack...coddles the hand that nogigglingmajor bit Ok, so you didn't bite me, but you (among others) have asked me oh so nicely to continue! So, as you will see, the status has changed back to in-progress. ****

-Page 7-

(Oh.My.God. **Samandjackforever**, you are bloody brilliant)

121) Unless you want to survive your next physical, DO NOT call Dr. Frasier short.

Walter was still in hiding. The rest of the base was making it very hard by having "medical emergencies" where ever he was.

122) Stop asking why the Priors are wearing dresses.

a) They are priests' robes. There is a difference.

Cam and Daniel couldn't stop snickering after this one went up.

123) Scottish SGC personnel are not to wear kilts.

a) Unless formal dress is called for.

b) If you do have to wear one, then put some underwear on dammit!

c) This also applies to Atlantis personnel.

Elizabeth insisted on this one after a gust of wind came thought the infirmary. She still couldn't look at Carson without blushing.

124) The Ori are not to be called "Floating Zippos"

SG-8 thought it was funny. No one else did. Especially not the General who read the term in his report.

125) Stop watching Anime on the Control Room screen.

On the bright side, most of the base had found a show they could all agree on watching: Fullmetal Alchemist.

126) Would the female staff please refrain from raiding the men's locker room for towels.

a) You want us doing it to you?

Turns out SG-3's archaeologist had no problems with partial or complete nudity, or any problems with embarrassment. She walked in on her team (in a bra and panties, head held high) and stole Col. McEnvoys' white fluffy towel. Turns out the rest of her team did have issues with nudity; no one could ever remember seeing them duck for cover so quick before.

127) Nothing can stand up to Carters "Resolve Face"

a) Don't try, you will lose.

It was one of the 'un-written' rules of the SGC. Someone figured they best write it down so the newbie's wouldn't be caught off-guard.

128) For the love of all that is Holy and Sacred to ANY species/race in this universe, _BE QUIET AROUND THE SGC NURSERY!_

Sam and Jack recently became the parent's three beautiful little girls. The triplets had their mother's hair, and their father's lungs. (I know it hasn't happened, but it should! So in my little alternate universe, it has!)

129) Take a pregnant woman seriously.

Everyone still occasionally smacked their head when someone mentioned the "Vala incident."

130) Keep your hands behind your back.

a) This means you: John, Jack, Rodney and Daniel.

Those four men had a bad habit of touching things that went and blew up in their faces. So they were treated like the children they were.

131) **Bungee-jumping off the balconies is a bad idea.**

SGA-4 was responsible for this one. To say Elizabeth was very disappointed in them would be an understatement.

132) **"Do you want the official version or the real version?" is not something you should ask your superiors when asked how your last mission went.**

This rule seemed to apply to everyone on base.

133) **Some things are too good to be true.**

Atlantis was thinking about the Genii.

Carter still moped over the loss of a fully charged ZPM when it turned out to be booby-trapped.

134) **Mistletoe stays on Earth.**

Turns out Atlantis personnel got very bored, very easily. Teyla was still trying to wash the taste of Rodney off her lips, two weeks later.

135) Medical personnel are no longer allowed to quote Star Trek.

a) This goes for all personnel.

b) Not just off-world.

Things just got out of hand after Dr. Stacy hollered "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a vet!" after being asked to examine Floppy's broken paw.

136) Stop waking people up with buckets of cold water.

a) That is just not cool people!

Col. Mitchell was still complaining about the bruising on his back from where he fell off the bed. To be fair, SG-1 had been trying to wake him up for 10 minutes without success.

137) **"The World Weekly News" stays on Earth.**

There was no way any good could come of it. SG-32 had a hard time convincing the natives of PR9-773 that Bat Boy wasn't real.

138) Don't point at the Priors and shout "Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition"

a) Its cliché.

Daniel just couldn't stop laughing at the newest Prior that came to Dakara. It actually caused the next rule to go up.

139) Don't quote Monty Python Off-World.

140) Don't take Thor drinking.

a) Or any other Aliens.

b) Other that Teal'c, Braitac or Selmac/Jacob.

SG-1 decided Thor needed to come to Jack's cabin. Half a shot of Jack Daniels and Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet… was trashed. It had taken him 2 days to sober up. SG-1 and Thor were toughly chewed out by the President, Gen. Hammond and the Asgard High Council at the same time.

****

-End Page 7-

A/N 3: Now, click the little pretty review button that says "go" and make me smile!  
And, in case you all forgot... suggestions are more than welcome!  
Also, really funny fanfic suggestions too!

Now, click the little pretty review button that says "go" and make me smile!And, in case you all forgot... suggestions are more than welcome!Also, really funny fanfic suggestions too! 


	8. Page 8

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing… and it breaks my heart! ;.; Well, Except SG-3, they are all mine!

**A/N:** If you will all go back to my user info page… you will see another page has been added to _"Pick-up lines from the SGC"_! Why, you ask? Because I love you guys!

You'll also note (if you bothered to check) that yesterday I went back and edited all the pervious pages. I think I fixed all the spelling, grammar and wording of everything.

**_-Page 8-_**

**141) Stand up comedy by Chris Rock is not to go off-world.**

**a) Or early Eddie Murphy.**

**B) or early Robin Williams.**

**c) How about you just keep the comedy Earth-side?**

SG-23 was no longer allowed to take any CDs' or DVDs' off world.

**142) Don't take the last Krispy Kream.**

Everyone soon found out how scary Selmak could be when he was deprived of donuts.

**143) Friday April 17th, 2006 never happened**.

All anyone could figure out was there was something that happened to SG-5 on PR9-813 involving a flock of seagulls.

**144) Expect the unexpected.**

**a) Really, weird things happen, you should be used to it by now.**

_(Come one, you really expected us to be on the watch for flying monkeys? -Col. Dixon)_

Seriously. Flying monkeys raided the camp while SG-13 was checking in at the gate. No one would have believed them if they hadn't captured the whole thing on video surveillance. Jack could not stop grinning.

**145) Don't tease the scientists.**

_(They tend to be smart when it comes to revenge. -Jack)_

_(Not to mention sneaky. -Ferretti)_

**146) Don't touch other people's hair.**

Jack was thinking of the weird soul patch Teal'c once grew.

Atlantis **KNEW** it was about Kavanaghs' pony tail. John cut it off, and Kavavagh proceeded to chase him all around Atlantis.

**147) Do not hold toga parties.**

No one suspected the anthropology department could be so loud. Or get so drunk.

**148) Rubber duckies are not religious icons. Stop telling new cultures that they are.**

**a) Nor are you to tell said new cultures that our national anthem is the Rubber Ducky song from Sesame Street.**

SG-18 was gleefully corrupting the universe, one planet at a time.

**149) Think before you act.**

**a) There is a fine line between heroic and stupid.**

**b) Besides, if you die, then you can't gloat.**

_(The people make a good point John. -Weir)_

_(Hey! -John)_

**150) Don't make voodoo dolls of your superiors.**

_(It is just creepy. -John)_

Rodney took a disturbing amount of pleasure in stabbing a miniature Col. Sheppard with long, sharp needles.

**151) You do not have the force. Stop saying you do.**

**a) Didn't you all read rule #42?**

**152) Quit getting cloned.**

**a) Once is an accident. FOUR or more is just absurd.**

**b) The amount of paper work and medical tests required isn't worth it.**

The original SG-1 had at least three duplicates out there somewhere. SGA-6 had android doubles, and SG-22 recently found themselves the victims of Loki and his experiments.

**153)Knock before you enter a room.**

Cassie had the misfortune of walking into Daniel's lab without bothering to knock. And she walked right in on Daniel with his hand half up Janet's skirt. She was heard running through the halls screaming "My eyes! My _eyes_!"

**154) The archaeologists are not to be referred to as "Indiana Jones."**

**a) or Laura Croft.**

Even if they do have the hat… or wear their hair in a braid.

**155) Be careful of other peoples things.**

Felger spilt coffee on Dr. Brown's Latin books. She called him 38 different kinds of idiot (in 8 languages) before she repeated herself.

**156) Cosmopolitan is not a magazine that should go off-world.**

It led to a whole new way of life on P99-WR3.

The men of said planet were not at all happy…until the women read the 'Love and Lust' section. P99-WR3 now trades one pound of naquada for one case of Cosmo

**157) Don't feed the plant life.**

Some of the plants in the Pegasus galaxy made the "Little Shop of Horrors" look tame.

**158) You are not pirates. Stop quoting that damn movie.**

Atlantis just got a boot-legged copy of 'Dead Mans Chest.' It seemed like every second sentence anyone heard was "Why is the rum always gone?", or "Where is that monkey, I need to shoot something."

**159) Keep quiet about the boot-legging.**

**a) You want the very nice people on the Dedalus to get arrested?**

Most of the DVD's on Atlantis were boot-legged or downloaded. If they ever got caught, well… a lot of people would be in a lot of trouble!

(this one was written by… I don't know who, I forgot to write down your penname before I emptied my e-mail account! I'm so sorry!)

**160) If you see Lt. Hailey crying DO NOT point and scream loudly, "OH MY GOD! IT IS HUMAN!"**

It took four SG teams to pull her and Maj. Harper from SG-5 apart. Evidently he did not read rule 98.

_**-End Page 8-**_

A/N 2: Now, I want you all to close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say "There is nothing better than a review."

Now, click the pretty button, because if I get 25 more reviews/suggestions/fic recs, then I'll post another page!


	9. Page 9

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill.

**A/N:** Ok people. Despite the fact that I only got 20 reviews, I'm posting another page. But, let me just say this: 65 people have this story on alert, 35 have it on their favorites list, and 4 C2s have me archived. The stats just don't add up, so **_REVIEW!_**

_**-Page 9-**_

**161)** SG teams do not get them songs.

SG-7 heard "Seven Deadly Sins" by Flogging Molly, and decided it would be their personal theme song. The rest of the base just found it annoying.

**162)** Do **NOT** introduce your team as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse".

**a)** you **WILL** be mobbed.

**b)** and possibly lynched.

**163)** Stop fighting over batteries.

**a)** this means you Atlantis!

**b)** they are re-chargeable for god's sake!

_(Oh… that would explain the box thing they came with. –Ford)_

_(You idiot. I tried to tell you! –Rodney)_

**164)** Floppy is no longer allowed off-world.

The natives of P45-172 had a sacred parrot. Floppy ate it.

**165)** Should you feel the urge to break into song, don't.

SGA-3 had just seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." The planet they gated to had a nice spooky mansion right next to the gate.

**166)** "It seemed like a good idea at the time" is not a valid excuse.

**167)** Don't kill Carters plants.

Felger was lucky Chloe reminded him to water her fern while she and Jack were on their honeymoon.

(( **A/N:** This one is from Alix-Jesusfreak!))

**168)** When the native band is playing, SG teams are not to shout "play that funky music, white boy!"

But it was really funny when SG-9 did it to the albino people of Vulo.

**169)** Don't mention certain "events" around visiting representative of our Alien/Earth allies.

**a)** especially if they are about SG-1 or SGA-1.

b) or SG-3.

That last clause was the reason for the next rule:

**170)** Flare guns are not toys.

What the hell is wrong with you all of you!

SG-3 convinced SG-18 that a flare fight would be fun. And, it was. Unless you were the Gen. O'Neill, Gen. Landry or Gen. Hammond.

**171)** You are** NOT** super heroes. Don't introduce yourself as "The Fantastic Four."

_(I don't care what excuse you tell Elizabeth. It stops now! –Jack) _

**172)** When talking about Earth don't mention Jerry Springer. 

**173)** Watch out for stairs

One word: Daniel.

**174)** Don't tell a village leader that your team mates are your harem.

**a)** they have ways of getting you back.

SG-13 had only one male member, Col. Dixon. His sarcastic comment was believed and the leader spent the next four hours trying to buy Major Kelly Henderson.

**175)** "I thought you had the GDOs!" is not something you should ever say.

SGA-8 spent 10 hours cut off from the gate by a snowstorm before Atlantis sent a MALP through to find out why they were so late. Dr. Weir gave an impressive three hour lecture that could be heard across the city.

**176) **Staplers are not to be used on colleagues.

Dr. Bryant was found stapled to his desk. Apparently the other engineers didn't like that he ate the last cookie.

**177)** Don't make fun of a person's accents, slang or country of origin.

**a)** for the love of God, play nice with each other.

Some of the American staff at the SGC decided to mock the Canadians. In retaliation, those that could speak French did speak French, and only French. The rest just said "Eh!" every three words.

**178)** There is a difference between a healthy fear and paranoia.

Rodney was such a hypochondriac.

**179)** Brass knuckles are not part of your gear.

The newest SG team was all Irish, and believed they should be. After all they did come in mighty handy when they got into a brawl with a Prior and his mob of crazed followers.

**180)** Take your piercing out before you go off-world.

Major Criton had a nipple ring. Had being the key word.

**_-End Page 9-_**


	10. Page 10

**Disclaimer:** Same as the last round we played.  
**A/N:** It dawned on me today that there is probably a good reason why I haven't had many reviews for the last two pages… school. So I'll cut you all some slack. But, this week-end I'm hoping for reviews!  
I forgot to thank and credit The Real Agent Smith for number 166! My bad, sorry about that! 

_**-Page 10-**_

((**A/N**: This one is from **Irishnut666**))

**181) Do not give Thor sugar. **

**a) Seriously people. Hyper active technologically advanced aliens are not funny!**

**b) Ok, maybe a little bit.**

That day, the SGC found out just how fast the Asgard could run.

**182) If your colleague re-appears after being dead for any given amount of time don't scream out "Does no one stay dead around here?"**

**a) No, no they don't.**

**b) How could you _not_ know this by now?**

It seemed no sooner then Gen. O'Neill finished the paper work for Col. Smith, did said Colonel re-appear naked and very much alive in the infirmary.

((**A/N**: This idea was suggested by a few people: **MuseUrania** is the only one I can remember though... Sorry!)

**183) Don't tell the Jaffa about jaffa cakes.**

**a) Or tell them that they are made from real Jaffa.**

**b) Or that the orange bit is candied Goa'uld.**

You ever see a 250-pound former First Prime run screaming from the mess before? SG-4 did.

**184) You have spell check on your computer. Use it!**

Turns out Gen. O'Neill was a stickler for proper English. Guess that explained why he hated it when people ended a sentence with a preposition

**185) Don't walk through the gate and loudly proclaim "I claim this land in the name of Hammond of the Shiny Forehead!"**

**a) Or "I hereby name this land, Simpsonia!"**

Gen. Landry put this one up after he started reading O'Neill's old mission reports.

**186) Be careful who you hit one. Their boyfriend/girlfriend/family might not like it.**

Sam, John, Cassie, Janet and Lt. Laura Cadman were very attractive people.  
Jack, Teyla, Janet and Carson were very good at attacking people.

**187) Batman is not the President. Don't tell people he is**.

SGA-3 was seriously messed up.

**188) Watch you language.**

**a) Especially around small children!**

The children of MX9-502 wanted to know why they were not allowed to say F---. After all, that grumpy Rodney man from Atlantis could say it. John actually gagged him and marched him strait up to Elizabeth to explain exactly why they lost the trade agreement.

**189) Participating in "Talk like a Pirate Day" is fine. Just don't type your reports up in "Pirate."**

September 19th became the day the pentagon hated the most. 55 reports (from _two_ galaxies) all in "Pirate." Major Davis actually burst into tears half way through.

((**A/N**: Thanks to **Smilingsam**!)

**190) If the natives are happy to see you chances are they're going to try to kill you.**

This was just a fact of life at the SGC.

**191) Don't fight over board games.**

SG-24 squabble like toddlers, so Sam treated them as such. She made them each stand in a corner.

**192) Stop fighting over sports!**

**a) Olympics, World cup, Super Bowl… I don't care!**

**b) Act like adults!**

_(It doesn't matter what the other person said, you can't hit them Radek! -Weir)_

The last time the Olympics were played, eight people ended up in the SGC infirmary. Apparently, there was an all-out brawl in Atlantis over the World Cup.

**193) Don't moon the villagers.**

SG-9 decided the prudish natives of Carthak needed to lighten up. It didn't work.

**194) _Don't_ tell the Goa'uld about the Wraith.**

It suddenly dawned on SG-1 just how bad it would be if a Goa'uld managed to take a Wraith as a host. The Joint Chiefs had never called a meeting that quickly before. Some were actually beamed into the Oval Office wearing their pjs.

**195) Don't stalk SG-1.**

**a) You're creeping us out.**

**b) Its also really distracting.**

The most recent batch of Newbies took hero worship to a whole new level of stalker-ish. It got to the point where Teal'c was sending Floppy into rooms in advance to clear everyone out.

**196) When you see the Nox don't refer to them as trolls.**

Gen. Landry was just glad they didn't hear SG-23.

**197) The medical staff is no linger allowing video game marathons.**

Dr. Lam couldn't tell you which were worse: the dehydration after a 12 hour, non-stop gaming session, the sprained thumbs or the bruises from the fist fights that broke out when someone cheated. Either way she needed a lot of Aspirin.

**198) Don't give the natives your copy of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."**

**a) Or any other of the Harry Potter books.**

**b) Do you want us to start banning books?**

((**A/N:** Thanks to **Hatake no Kuro Fenikkusu** for number 199. I did tweak it a bit though!)  
**199) Just because it looks cute and fuzzy, doesn't mean it's nice.**

Many people thought about Floppy when they heard about this, but it was actually about a rather adorable race of fluffy kitten/bat hybrids with nasty tempers and two rows of sharp, pointy, razor-like teeth.

**200) Floppy is not you "Evil minion from Hell."**

**a) You all think you're so funny don't you?**

**b) Just stop writing it into your weekly reports!**

**_-End Page 10-_**

**A/N 2**: Well, I should hope you all know what to do by now… Click the shiny button that says "GO" and make my day!

**A/N 3**: Not sure if any of you noticed, but I had gone back to "Pick-Up Lines" to do some editing, and accidently replaced page 7 with page 8. And I had no back-up copy. I nearly cried. So if anyone remembers any of the lines, or has new ones, please send them to me so I can try and fix it! Thanks,

-Kat


	11. Page 11

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill.  
**A/N:** To anyone who was sent into a stat of complete and utter **panic** over "_Pick-Up Lines from the SGC_", it has been fixed thanks to **-Love-You-Always-And-Forever-**! I have also started a new SG-1 series called "_This is why we have Rules_", which is a bunch of drabbles and ficlets about some of the situations that caused theses rules! Enough plugging on my part, on with the show!

**_-Page 11-_**

((**A/N:** These next six are from **wolf-in-hell**! I did add my own little touches to 'em though!))

**201) Do not give victory cigars to the Asgard.**

**a) Nicotine does odd things to them.**

**b) Things that no one should have to deal with.**

The SGC was curropting the Asgard with a passion the boardered on sick and twisted.

**202) DO NOT play poker with our off world allies for real things!**

**a) Even if you did win an O'Neill class battle ship from Thor!**

_(THIS MEANS YOU JACK! -Hammond)_

_(It's not my fault Sam can count cards! -Jack)_

Earth has now won the following things (thanks to Sam!): an O'Neill class battle ship from the Asgard, three new hyper drive engines from the Tok'ra, and 45 more Zatt guns from the Free Jaffa Nation.

Jack and Cameron were pretty smug for the next few days.

**203) No attempting to train Floppy to use a switch blade and rename him Bun-Bun. THIS WOULD BE BAD!**

SG-11 is now talking to therapists.

**204) Do not try and build a proton pack to try and use on Anubis.**

**a) We will get sued again.**

**b) And we can't afford to keep rebuilding area 51!**

Major Davis popped three extra-strength Tylenol after reading what the Area 51 science department had done.

**205) Dr. Demento songs are DEFINITLY banned from the base.**

**a) If you play them or sing them, the nice men in the white coats will come and take you away!**

**206) Do not build replicator look-alikes out of grey Lego and put them onto Thor's ship!**

The moon almost had another crater when he found them the last time. SG-1 and SG-2 should never be allowed alone together anymore.

**207) Golf has now been added to the list of sports not to be played in the SGC.**

**a) Especially if you're shooting through the Stargate.**

**b) We only have one, people.**

**208) Wheelchairs and staff weapons are not to be used for jousting.**

Normally the medical staff was so well behaved.

((**A/N:** The next two are by **BookWorm37**! Who is my hero.)

**209) You are NOT - and I stress, NOT - to take any fantasy novels/movies/stories/DVD's off world.**

**a) It is NOT funny to convince the natives of a planet that Allanon is on his way.**

**b) Or that we are actually looking for weapons to kill Voldemort.**

**210) C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien and all who came after them are NOT gods and did NOT write real history!**

**211) Rodney McKay is only right in the Pegasus galaxy. Never here.**

Everyone was just thankful O'Neill had gotten the Stargate out of Earth's atmosphere when he did. Even after five years, no one let Rodney forget it.

**212) Sling shots stay here**.

P47-R77 now had very angry parents. Earth now had a very angry General.

**213) Earth does not make pugs by throwing them into walls.**

**a) Don't tell people we do!**

**b) You never know when it will come back to bite you in the ass.**

Dr. Laura didn't feel like answering questions when the locals saw a picture of her dog in her wallet. Feeling very snaky, as major burns are bound to make you feel, she told this to a nosey and insensitive nurse. Who was the sister of the animal loving Chief. It took two hours to explain things.

**214) Pointing at the other team and shouting "It's their fault!" will not get you out of trouble.**

**a) Unless it's SG-1. Then we believe you.**

_(HEY! Not fair! -Cameron)_

_(You know it's true. -Jacob)_

**215) Just because Anise dresses like a hooker doesn't mean you can ask "how much is a lap dance?"**

**a) This may be funny, but doesn't go over well.**

**b) The High Council will just bitch at us.**

Lt. Hailey thought it was funny. So did Jack and Daniel. And Selmac of all people.

**216) Pop music is not to be played over the com speakers.**

**a) Especially Britney Spears.**

The botanists wanted more lab space. The scientists didn't want to give up the miniature room. The botanists won.

**217) Be nice to the explosives experts.**

**a) They can make it look like an accident.**

**b) They also can "forget" to issue you new grenades.**

Some of the Marines in Atlantis decided to insult the explosives experts. When they returned to their rooms that night, they found their sinks had exploded.

**218) Don't bite the NID.**

**a) We don't know where they have been.**

The NID tried to take over the Beta site. Major Fielding took a CHUNK out of the guy that was trying to gag her. The NID never regretted anything so much. SG-

**219) The newbies are not "cannon fodder."**

**a) Are trying to make them cry?**

SG-16 had no tack. When Dr. Malcolm of SG-9 heard Lt. Dann made his 'newbie' little sister cry, it took both teams to pull them apart.

**220) "I need an old priest and a young priest!" is not something you should yell after inspecting team members wound.**

Apparently blood loss made Carter cranky.

**_-End Page 11-_**

**A/N 2**: You know what to do…Press the little button that says "GO" and make me smile! Reviews are Love!


	12. Page 12

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill by now.  
**A/N:** I just noticed I haven't updated this in what seems like forever! I got all caught up in my new series and university! So sorry about the delay, well here you go!

**_-Page 12-_**

((**A/N**: This one if from **Kathea**. Thanks tons!)  
**221) You do not refer to Jack and Sam as "Dad and Mom"**

**a) Also, General Hammond is not "Gramps."**

To say the SGC had taken the family analagy to the extreame was an understatement.

((**A/N**: These next three are courtesy of **DustBunnyQueen**)  
**222) Sing-alongs are NOT to be started off world.**

In an attempt to put the locals at ease, SG-20 started singing 'My Little Buttercup' and encouraged the people to sing along. They are now considered crazy on that world.

**223) Anime-marathons before missions are now forbidden.**

SG-23 had had a Sailor Moon marathon and SG-15 had a Dragonball Z marathon. When walking through the gate, SG-23 made Sailor Moon poses and speeches before introducing themselves and SG-15 kept yelling 'kamehameha' and 'Big Bang Attack' when firing their zatt and staff weapons.

**224) Introduce yourselves properly damn it!**

Once again, SG-23 caused another rule. They had watched too many 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' episodes and now gave themselves absurd, and sometimes inappropriate, names. Their favourites at the moment were 'Like I Giveadamn', 'Stinky Short-fingers McFisticuffs', 'Master Bater' and 'Captain Nipples'.

**225) Walter, you are not Psychic**.

Walter was just that good at his job, people had started to wonder. It was scary.

**226) When someone asks you for a minute give them the whole 60 seconds.**

**a) Would it really kill you to wait?**

The Marines had really short attention spans, and like to touch the shiny objects… which often made things go boom.

**227) Bullets bounce. Don't shoot at stone walls.**

**a) Or metal ones.**

**b) Or force fields.**

Teal'c was the one who first warranted the need for this one.

**228) Just because you pulled a sword from a stone does not mean you are the new king of England.**

Mitchell was so dissapointed when this one went up.

**229) Fencing lessons are highly recommended at this point.**

Col. Mitchell put this one up after his _third _duel in February alone.

**230) Halo 2 is a good use of down-time.**

**a) As is DDR.**

**b) And so is World of Warcraft.**

It appeared that the Science department had no life outside electronics.

**231) The F3-02's are not for joy rides.**

General O'Neill had started to abuse his privileges so the President had taken them away saying, "you can have them back when you are ready to act responsibly." He had yet to act responsibly.

**232) Holograms can hurt you.**

SG-25 found a holographic maze on P65-MR7. Apparently running at the wall to get out will not work. It just gets you a nice bruise.

**233) Shouting "Fire at Will!" during a training simulation and then ACTUALLY firing at Will is not allowed.**

**a) Even if it was just intars.**

**b) And don't continue doing it at random times just to see him jump!**

Major William DeRivier had become very paranoid since SG-26 had that fateful training mission.

((**A/N**: These next six were sent to me ages and ages ago by **turbomagnus**. I love them!))

**234) Stop it with the evil villain laughter people!**

Some of the cultures out there are starting to think we're as bad as the Goa'uld.

**235) My name is not Luke and you are not my father.**

**a) Actually, you're not Darth Vader at all.**

**b) And stop playing around with the super solider armour!**

**236) Playing the "Imperial March" from Star Wars when Kinsey, Anise or anyone else we don't like enters the base, while funny, is not allowed.**

**a) Claiming that you are not talking about Star Wars, only humming the music DOES COUNT at breaking Rule 42!**

_(Teal'c started it! -Siler)_

_(And I'm ending it! -Gen. Landry)_

**237) We are _NOT_ "Star Trekkin' Across The Universe.**

**a) We are a covert unit of the United States armed forces that uses a system of interplanetary Stargates to explore other worlds.**

**b) You can stop calling the Goa'uld 'the Borg' now.**

Turns out having a team made completely out of scientists' leads to insanity.

**238) General O'Neill is not to be called "Hawkeye."**

**a) Nor is Col. Carter to be called "Margaret."**

Some of the medical staff had a MASH marathon and now neither Gen. O'Neill nor Col. Carter could enter the infirmary without suffering a round of Hawkeye/Margaret comments.

**239) Don't ride the MALPs.**

**a) If a team mate is riding a MALP, don't tell them to get off by quoting 'Armageddon'**

**b) People might believe that it IS a nuclear warhead.**

SGA-5 did manage to scare off the Genii though.

**240) Don't show Sci-fi to the Jaffa. It could end badly.**

SG-6 had so far managed to avoid getting on the list. That is, until Lt. Ash brought the complete series of 'Firefly' to Dakarra while they were training with the Jaffa. The theme song was adopted as the Jaffa's National Anthem.

**_-End Page 12-_**

**A/N 2**: Well, I hope you guys like it, even if I did kinda cheat a tiny bit by using so many submissions! I just felt you all deserved another round so much! As always, reviews are love so hit the shiny button!

**A/N 3:** It's not really very shiny though, is it? -tear-


	13. Page 13

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill by now.

**A/N:** I just noticed I haven't updated this in what seems like forever! I got all caught up in my new series and university! So sorry about the delay, well here you go!

_**-Page 13-**_

((**A/N**: Theses first five are courtesy of **Andrew Joshua Talon**. I absolutely loved them!))

**241) No kidnapping celebrities and taking them off-world, no matter how much the natives beg.**

**a) This means you, SG-6.**

**b) And SG-12.**

**c) Do you WANT to go to jail? Or be sued? Again?**

After giving 'Firefly' to the Jaffa, the High Council wanted to meet the cast. SG-6 had obliged happily in exchange for a squadron of Tel'tacs. The cast were all still nearly catatonic days after from the experience. As for SG-12... They wanted to show William Shatner the _Odyssey_.

_(What did we give him to keep his mouth shut? -Cam)_

_(You don't want to know. -Daniel)_

**242) No cos-playing off world.**

SG-9 had dressed up as the characters from "Final Fantasy 7" after losing a bet. The natives of PNY-990 made Aeris their new goddess. General Landry was forced to add yet ANOTHER religion the SGC had created to the list.

**243) Do not debate the superiority of Linux to Microsoft.**

**a) Even if it's true.**

The computer technicians were rather sore about Lieutenant Riley's opinions.

**244) No "tricking out" the Puddle jumpers.**

John sulked at not being able to put racing stripes on his Jumper. Rodney sulked about the coffee maker.

**245) No using the Puddle jumpers to pretend to be "The Great and Powerful Oz.**

**a) I mean it, people!**

**b) Stop corrupting the natives already!**

After lighting a fire and painting a face on their Puddle jumper, SGA-8 had hovered above it and freaked out the villagers of MG8-5T6. Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard had been furious. General O'Neill found it hysterical when he heard about it.

((**A/N**: the next two are by **DustBunnyQueen**))

**246) Floppy is NOT lonely and does NOT need a friend. Stop trying to give him one!**

So far SG-11 has gone through three hamsters, four gerbils, two cats and a guinea pig.

_(Seriously...the mountain is starting to look like the Pet Cemetery! -Daniel)_

**247) Sgt. Siler is NOT to be referred to as "Sparkey the Wonder Tech."**

**a) OR Captain Accident Prone.**

_(Yeah, that's Daniels nick name! -Cameron)_

_(Seriously...I'm not THAT bad! -Siler)_

_(Oh please! Your medical file is as thick as mine! And Mitchell, hey! -Daniel)_

_(Hey, Daniel; stairs! So shush!-Sam)_

**248) Don't paint John's favourite Puddle Jumper yellow.**

**a) Or name it "the Yellow submarine."**

John really hates being reminded about the "no sleep incident."

**249) Don't trust herbs you find off world.**

Lt. Darrel found a plant that smelt and looked exactly like sage. Deciding the M.R.E.'s could use some flavour, he added some to the entire teams' dinner. A very stoned SGA-2 came through the gate half an hour later looking for cheetos.

**250) Watching all three "Lord of the Rings" movies back-to-back before a mission is a bad plan.**

SGA-8 had a team bonding night the day before they were scheduled for a recon mission. They had the brilliant idea to watch all three _EXTENDED_ versions. Dr. Barrette actually fell asleep during the pre-mission briefing. Elizabeth scrubbed the mission in favour of yelling at them for almost 2 hours.

**251) Would the Gate techs please stroking the gate and calling it "My Precious."**

**a) It's unnerving the SG teams.**

**b) And just plain wrong.**

**252) The M.A.L.P.'s do not need spinning rims.**

_(This is what the American government shells out more than ten billion dollars a year for? -Daniel)_

**253) "Cookie Dough" is not how you describe the progress of a project.**

**a) Be specific.**

**b) Because chances are the world may depend on it!**

Sam had recently taken to answering "it's not cookies yet, still just dough" when some one asked how her latest project was coming. No one really understood her until Daniel found season seven of Buffy the Vampire Slayer hidden in her desk drawers.

**254) Halloween costumes don't go off world!**

The natives of PR3-429 ran screaming in terror from one grim reaper with a scythe, one very realistic devil (oh, the benefits of having a sister that did theatre make-up for a living!) and two very convincing wolf-men. SG-15 was in so much trouble when they got back.

**265) Stop using the SGC nursery as a place to hide from briefings.**

When Sam and Jack's triplets were born, the President authorized the creation of a nursery/day care service rather than risk losing either of the parent's participation in the program. Since then, nearly two dozen SGC personnel had received authorization to bring in their children. Including Ferrety, who had begun claiming his daughters "were worried about their Daddy". Suspiciously always right around the time he was suppose to be in a meeting with the General…

**266) Floppy needs a bell.**

**a) NOW!**

**b) If we can't hear him, how are we suppose to know we may be about to step on him?**  
Floppy tended to be rather quiet in his wanderings around the base. Several personnel had stepped on him, caught one of his ears in a door, or accidentally sat on him. Floppy did not take kindly to theses things, and proceeded to let everyone know though the universal language of biting.

**267) "Pfft! Sanity is over-rated!" is not the motto of SG-3.**

_(But it should be! -Daniel)_

_(Remind me again, who was it that decided to board a Goa'uld mother ship with no back-up? -Hebert)_

This flippant reply was made by Dr. Brown after General Landry demanded "Where in God's name is your sanity?" in the briefing following the flare gun fight. No one was able to hold back their laughter as the General sputtered and tuned a deep shade of plum.

**268) Grabbing your team mate, furiously kissing them, then glaring at the village priestess who had been flirting with him and snarling "mine", while effective at keeping her away from him, is no way to win a trade agreement.**

Teyla did not like the way Veela, High Priestess in the Order of the Sacred Creators, had been looking at John. They may not have gotten all the items Dr. Weir had wanted them to trade for, but Teyla was still quite smug for days.

**269) Boredom and scientists never mix well.**

**a) Especially if long trips are involved.**

Zelenkia and Rodney were an evil combination when they were getting along. Having nothing better to do on the trip back to Atlantis from Earth, they proceeded to build "battle bots" using combinations of Human, Asgard, Ancient, Wraith and Goa'uld technology. The robots "Lore" and "Data" almost destroyed one of the labs during the first round.

**270) Don't try and black mail your team mates with incriminating photos.**

**a) Chances are they have worse ones than you.**

**b) And if they don't, chances are the people in charge of security camera do.**

**_-End Page 13-_**

**A/N 2:** Thanks to everyone who has been so patient with me! I'm sorry for making you all wait so long for an update, but I have had almost no insperation and even less free time! Keep checking back with me, I'm going to try to get this list to 300. You know, I have so little insperation right now, I can't even think up a witty or silly statement to encourade you to review... so save me the trouble of thinking and hit the pretty button! -Much love-

_-Kat_


	14. Page 14

**Disclaimer:** You all know the drill by now...

**A/N: **Still lacking with the insperation, but with vacation upon me, I hope to get some over my holidays! In other news, I have a BETA!!! Yay! So this fic is now governement certified 99 error free!

_**-Page 14-**_

**261) Don't ask Daniel if he is "Of the Clan Macleod."**

**a) It's not funny anymore.**

**262) Stop asking SG-1 if they might want a sword to kill Ba'al.**

**a) While funny, it just confuses everyone who has never watched "Highlander".**

**b) How about just no more Highlander jokes, period.**

((**A/N**: Oh **AnnaBee**, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who likes to see Mitchell in his boxers!))

**263) Pants are not optional.**

**a) This means you Cameron Mitchell.**

**264) Data and Lore are not to be left unattended.**

Data and Lore were accidentally linked to the newly re-designed Atlantis VR training chair. The newest version had the personalities of SG-1 integrate into the program to provide training for the SGA personnel. Somehow, the personalities of Jack and Daniel ended up in the battle bots. Now Lore kept translating everything in sight and Data had somehow managed to get the Simpson's playing across every view screen in the city.

**265) Twinkies are not Earth's primary natural resource.**

**a) Rodney should not be allowed to talk to visitors while doing inventory from a supply drop.**

**266) "Futurama" is not to be quoted.**

**a) Anywhere.**

It turns out "Bite my shiny metal ass!" is not something your prison guards like to hear.

**267) No members of SG-1 (past or present) or SG-3 are allowed to be paired together for any future missions.**

**a) Including archaeological digs.**

**b) Or training missions.**

**c) ESPECIALLY social gatherings!!!**

Dr. Brown had recently been teamed up with Daniel on a dig. After discovering they had quite a few interests in common, they began spending time together off duty. This eventually led to SG-3 and SG-1, including Jack, having a barbeque at Dr. Brown's. The results were not pretty. Teal'c now had the habit of humming "The Jedi Drinking Song" at inappropriate moments. Both Cameron's were nearly arrested for disturbing the peace when they set fireworks off at 3 a.m. Marie and Daniel ended up with alcohol poisoning because neither one was willing to concede in the tequila drinking contest. Jack, Blair, Dave and Sam _WERE _arrested for their city-wide midnight paint ball war.

((**A/N**: Hey, it had to happen sooner or later!))

**268) Stop taking words and perverting them**.

SGA-4 was bored. Neither Teyla nor John is now able to hear or say the word 'strudel' without blushing.

**269) Don't replace the briefing room table.**

Round tables are for England, not the SGC.

**270) Do not mention "The Spork of Doom".**

**a) Especially not over the com system.**

**b) Atlantis cannot afford to have the whole city dissolve into giggling and snickering.**

**c) Again.**

Kavanaugh said some thing very rude to Teyla in the mess. He then found himself pinned up against the wall with a spork being held against his jugular. It had actually pierced the skin before SGA-1 and SGA-6, as well as most of the kitchen staff had managed to pull them apart. Lucky for him, sporks don't have very long prongs.

**271) Don't mock other peoples illnesses.**

SG-17 contracted a weird fungus growth. That resulted in all four members growing antennas. Fully functioning antennas. The kind that twitch if you flick them and tell you when something is flying low over your head. It was funny for the rest of the base, just not them.

**272) Don't celebrate the Fourth of July off world.**

Jack and Teal'c were originally responsible for this one. In the first few years of the SGC they set off every grenade, C-4 pack and shape charge they had.

((**A/N**: These next two are from **CountessMorgana**! ))

**273) Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow does not work.**

**a) If anything, it'll result in massive explosions that take up half the budget in repairs.**

**b) Science department, you have been warned.**

The newest scientist on the SGC payroll was an Oxford-educated physicist from England and self-proclaimed biggest fan of 'Doctor Who'. Her theories on neutrons were taken up by three colleagues; all die-hard Trekkies. Together they managed to ruin over $2 billion worth of equipment and racked up over $1 million in damages to the SGC labs.

**274) Pointing out that the tenth (and latest) explosion was only a quarter as bad as the first will not stop General Landry from seriously contemplating docking half your pay checks to help pay repairs and replacements.**

**a) This rule is directly related to the previous one.**

**275) Daniel does not need guard dogs.**

**a) He has SG-1 for that.**

(_Oh come on! I am not always being attacked -Daniel_)

(_You ended up in the infirmary twice this week; and it's only Wednesday! -Janet_)

((**A/N**: I decided to put in five rules suggested by my new beta,** DustBunnyQueen**. You'll love them!))

**276) Floppy is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction.**

SG-11 decided to smuggle the critter off world for 'some fresh air' when they were attacked by a prior and his fanatics. That was the first time in SGC history that an SG team came out of a battle unscathed. The Prior and his followers, on the other hand, suffered severe casualties.

**277) Carter is no longer allowed PowerAide and Pixie Stix before going off-world.**

Cam, in a fit of genius, offered Sam said items after she had been up for two nights straight. When they were attacked, like they always are; Sam whipped out an honest-to-God death ray and proceeded to wipe out the enemy while cackling "Fear the wrath of a genius with too much spare time!"

(_That was disturbing. -Daniel_)

(_Yeah, but funny as Hell! -Cam_)

**278) Do not show the Asgard old movies.**

**a) Hearing Thor say "ET phone home" is just plain wrong!**

(_Do you know how many NIGHTMARES I've suffered from that?! -Jack_)

**279) Daniel's motto is not "Fight until your dying breath. Then get resurrected and keep fighting. Repeat until victorious."**

(_But it's true! The man is like the roach from hell! He just won't die! -Cam_)

(_Cam, bite my ass. -Daniel_)

280) Please refer to rule #21.

Cam and John made it an annoying habit to say 'Beam me up Scotty' before activating transporter rings. They have now been threatened with everything from having their mouths sewn shut to being locked in a room with Floppy.

_**-End Page 14-**_

**A/N 2**: For everyone who has **NOT** yet downloaded the 'Jedi Drinking Song', in all it's Celtic Rock goodness, here are the lyrics. I hope this motivates you to go listen to it! OH, God! Dale was right!!! I am pimping his band!!! -Ponders for a moment, then realizes I don't care!-

"_The Jedi Drinking Song"_ By The Dust Rhinos

Well, I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch,  
One bottle of wine, and a bourbon on the rocks.  
I had one lassie on me right, another on the left,  
I looked that puppet in the eye and said give me the test.

A long time ago, in a pub far away,  
I sat on a barstool, just drinking away.  
I couldn't hold it down, I guess I had too much,  
I felt a tremor in the force and then I lost my lunch.  
I woke up in a desert land, feeling hot and sick,  
I saw a bearded man, he looked like some kind of hick.  
He slowly waved his hand, and my pain was gone,  
He said let's go see Yoda, and I'll teach you the song.

Chorus

We got on a starship and flew off into space,  
He said his name was Obi-Wan, there was no time to waste.  
I have to get you trained before it is too late,  
He said drink this bottle of whisky, and don't give in to hate.  
My training went on, and I'd drank most of the bar,  
We had to stop off for supplies on the nearest Death Star.  
I learned to control my fear, and hold my alcohol,  
Soon I was able to stand when Obi-Wan would fall.

Chorus

(Star Wars theme song)

I sat down beside him and looked him in the eye,  
He looked right back at me, said you judge me by my size.  
Obi-Wan said careful, for Yoda is the best,  
I said ok shorty, bring on the test.  
Well I could tell you how it ended, I could tell you some lies But let's just say, on that night the force was on his side.  
I got all riled up, and they threw me in jail!  
I said I don't believe it, Yoda said that's why I failed!

Chorus X2

_**-End of A/N-**_


	15. Page 15

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill by now. As always, I own nothing but Floppy and SG-3. **DustBunnyQueen** also owns Skye Hammond (Merry Christmas Skye! I wrote you in!)

And Perry owns SG-13.

**A/N:** Well, another update for you all. And in regards to the ages of some of the characters (SG-1.5), I have twisted reality to my will to make them all the same age, 19.

**_-Page 15-_**

**281) There is no such thing as SG-1.5.**

**a) Just because Cassie, John, Alison and Skye all hang out at the SGC does not make them their own team.**

**b) Even if SG-1 takes them along on scientific missions every once in a while.**

After her experience with Teal'c, Alison decided to join the Air Force. Just after graduation she joined Cassandra, and "John" at the academy where they met General Hammond's oldest niece, Skye. The four soon became great friends and, after all had obtained proper clearance through Gen. O'Neill, began spending their free time at the SGC. The four now tended to shadow SG-1 everywhere.

**282) SG-3 is never to be given the Atoniek upgrade bracelets.**

**a) EVER!**

Lt. Hebert saw one of the scientists working on one. After hearing what they did, he promptly went to General Landry to try and convince him that SG-3 should be the test subjects for the next series of trials. It didn't work, and now SG-3 was not allowed near any of the labs for fear of them getting their hands on some of the more "interesting" technology.

**283) There is no room in the budget for Karaoke machines.**

**a) Nor can they be declared an "acclamation expenditure" for new alien personnel.**

_(This means you Combs! -Gen. Landry)_

((**A/N**: **From BiteMeTechie**. Why do I get the feeling this would be something Langley would post?))

**284) No Dungeons and Dragons off-world.**

**a) Don't try explaining it to the natives. They might take it seriously.**

**b) For God's sake, don't teach them to play it either!**

P59-RY8 now leads weekly campaigns across universe.

((**A/N:** **CountessMorgana** provided this one.))

**285) Mentioning or attempts at proving "reversing the polarity" of ANYTHING now**

**counts as being a violation of rule #42.**

**a) Anyone who mentions it will be demoted to airman and/or sent to Antarctica.**

**b) Anyone who tries to prove it will be sent to P3W-451.**

**c) Anyone who uses the excuse of "but it's originally from Doctor Who, not Star Trek!" will be fired.**

**d) This applies to all personnel, especially the Science Department.**

((**A/N**: Thanks to **turbomagnus** for this brilliant one!))

286) From now on, excluding those already members of the SGC, couples will be assigned to the same SG team.

Sergeant Rogers of SG-18 and his girlfriend Sergeant Parks of SG-7 had a fight. Somehow, that evolved into a small war between the two teams rivalling the Prank Wars. Finally, they were locked in a storeroom with Floppy outside the door so they couldn't escape until they worked out their differences.

**287) Would the Genetics department please refrain from conducting ILLEGAL experiments?**

Despite the fact that Tribbles may seem like a good idea, everyone should know they are not. Except for, obviously the Geneticists.

**288) You can't call "shot gun" on the puddle jumpers.**

_(John, stop sulking. -Dr. Weir)_

**289) Sock puppets are not an appropriate way to recount a mission.**

SGA-7 evidently had too much free time on their hands if they were able to make over twenty different puppets. Atlantis now also knew where all their missing socks had gone.

**290) Truth or Dare is not allowed to be played on base.**

**a) Or off-world.**

No one ever wanted to see Felger run naked through the Gate Room again.

**291) SG-1.5 is not allowed to stay up late trying to help save the galaxy.**

**a) For reasons of national security.**

**b) And the sanity of OFFICAL base personnel.**

_(John, you can't tell your professor you didn't complete your paper because you were attacked by invisible giant bugs. -Carter)_

_(You try finishing one when the Reetu are attacking! -John)_

**292) All Russian personnel are no longer allowed to keep vodka on base.**

After a successful mission together, SG-16 and SGR-12 decided to celebrate together. The medical staff spent the rest of the night dealing with eight very drunk men and women.

**293) SG-13 can't save everyone all the time.**

SG-13 was now strictly search and rescue. Not surprisingly, they were the most over-worked team of all. Sergeant Perry Kasprick often complained about not being able to see his girlfriend, Dr. Brown. She just laughed and convinced SG-3 to get lost in the cave system of P82-6R7 to shut him up.

**294) Floppy is not to be dyed yellow.**

_(He does not appreciate it. Trust me, I know! -Hailey)_

Easter came around at the SGC… and so did Floppy's vengeance.

**295) Happy Feet pyjamas are not appropriate work wear.**

**a) Nor do we have "Casual Fridays."**

No one was really sure which was scarier; General O'Neill in flannel Happy Feet Pyjamas or Siler in leather pants.

**296) SG-15 is a bad judge of character. Don't listen to them.**

Jack was still blaming them for not shooting Malichie when they first met him.

**297) Be careful who you put in charge of planning the Atlantis holiday celebrations.**

**a) This means Carson Beckett.**

Carson somehow managed to get nearly forty cases of assorted liquors dropped off just in time for New Years. The ENTIRE city was drunk that night.

**298) Don't try to win with a dance-off against the enemy. They won't get it.**

**a) And rather than capture you alive, they may just assume you have a disease that affects the brain and kill you.**

**299) Lolly pops are for children.**

**a) Stop stealing them John.**

**b) There is a limited supply between Deadulus runs.**

**300) General Landry is no longer posting bail for SG teams.**

**a) Nor is Dr. Elizabeth Weir**.

SG teams across the universe are in trouble now.

**_-End Page 15-_**

**A/N 2:** Sorry about not updating in over a month. You all know I had terrible writers block. Lucky for me, my boyfriend is also a Stargate Junkie! So yay!

Well, thank you to everyone who has reviewed and offered suggestions. I know I had said I planned to only take this to three hundred rules, but I'm sure that after I finish watching season two of Atlantis, I'll have plenty more to post! So keep on the look out!


	16. Page 16

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill by now. As always, I own nothing but Floppy and SG-3. DustBunnyQueen also owns Skye Hammond. And Perry owns SG-13.

**A/N**: Slowly, but surely, I am coaxing my muses off that tropical island they ran away to. I'm hoping to update all my Stargate and Buffy stories before the end of the month. Special thanks to everyone for being so patient with me. I promise it will be worth the wait, I'll be turning SG-1.5 into it's own series after I get the corrosponding story up in "This is Why we have Rules." And Skye sent me a plot bunny last month... how does "Proverbs from the SGC" sound?

**_-Page 16-_**

**301) Do not point at a team mates hicky and shout "That's no hicky! It's a Gou'ald entry wound"**

**a) They will not be impressed with you.**

**b) Nor will they appreciate the extensive medical tests.**

Cameron was hiding from Sam and Jack. The rest of the base was making it quite hard for him.

**302) Kleenex boxes are not an acceptable means of communication between the Pegasus galaxy and Earth.**

Daniel had spent three months stationed in Atlantis. The first contact he made with Earth upon his arrivle (obviously at Jack's insistence) was the empty box of tissue he had brought with him reading the words "allergies acting up, all else fine. Now leave me alone Jack!"

**303) Silly string is for detecting trip wires.**

**a) And not pranking the marines!**

SGA-5 spent almost three days avoiding nearly thirty marines.

((**A/N: DustBunnyQueen** wrote these next five. I only tweaked them slightly.))

**304) Zats are NOT to be used to play Laser Tag!**

_(It was John's idea! - Alison)_

_(Was not!- John)_

_(I don't care WHO started it, it ends NOW! - General Landry)_

SG-3 _WAS_ involved...but is was the kids..."SG-1.5" who were the culprits. In a fit of teenage insanity, the four decided to play a game of Laser Tag. Since they didn't have the proper equipment, they decided to use the next best things...Zats. Always looking for something to do, SG-3 decided to join, along with Cameron, Kowalski, Siler, Ferretti and, surprisingly...Teal'c. Many Airmen, two scientists, three doctors and General Landry himself, were all "casualties of war". As a result, laser tag was added to the list of sports no longer allowed at the SGC.

**305) Do not intentionally make Dr. Jackson mad just to win a bet!**

SG-15 made a bet on how many languages Daniel could curse in. They pissed him off by stealing his coffee and locking him out of his office. SG-15 is now hiding deep in the bowels of the SGC with Daniel hunting them down with the help of Mr. Floppy. The current count is 26 languages.

**306) Daniel is no longer allowed to be taken to "Show-and-Tell."**

_(Do you know how many parents kept calling me after that?! - Jack)_

_(Stop griping, Jack. Your kids got a good grade didn't they? -Daniel)_

The O'Neill triplets had started pre-school and each Friday their class had a Show and Tell. They decided that bringing Dr. Jackson in would be a good idea. The children of class 3-B can now sing "This is The Song That Never Ends" in three different languages.

**307) The loudspeaker is NOT a toy!**

SG-27, in a fit of extreme boredom, decided the SGC needed some "work music". For the rest of the day the base was subject to everything from "Baby Got Back" to "My Heart Will Go On". Walter was later found bound and gagged with duct tape in a closet.

**308) SG teams do NOT have theme songs!**

**a) How many times do we have to post and re-post this rule?**

After the loudspeaker incident, SG-23 decided to take it one step farther by playing a different song for each SG team as they went off-world. SG-1 was designated the song "We Are The Champions", SG-3 was given "Pyro Man" written by some obscure band, SG-7 was given "I Am The Walrus", SG-15 was given "Dude Looks Like a Lady", and they gave themselves the song "Smack My Bitch Up.

((**A/N**: Thanks to **Minion of Sekamet** for these next two)

**309) Stop prank dialing Walter! It isn't funny anymore!**

**a) That means you, SG-3!**

After having all their explosives/flammables confiscated, SG-3 was looking for something else to amuse themselves with. They came up with the idea of prank dialing Walter. After the 14th dialing from people claiming to be Harry Potter, Sailor Moon, Obi-Wan Kenobi or "the people who have your mother", Walter burst into tears and ran from the Control Room.

**310) Do NOT anger the Geeks!**

**a) They can extract revenge like few others!**

**b) This means you, SG-3.**

**c) And you, Colonel Sheppard!**

After the unfortunate incident with the prank dialing, Siler took it upon himself to help Walter with revenge. He chased SG-3 around the base waving his home-made flame-thrower and screaming random threats. Over on Atlantis, Rodney and Radek Zelenka (sick of Sheppard's teasing) rigged the Atlantis showers to reject his DNA and only give him cold water.

**311) Please keep any cute, and potentially dangerous, animals from bonding with the triplets.**

**a) For your own safety as well as that of others.**

**b) Because if Floppy doesn't get you, their parents will.**

Floppy became very attached to the O'Neill triplets Melody, Harmony and Rhythm, to the point where if you made any one of them cry, you had better run. It took ten airmen to keep Anise safe: six to subdue Floppy and two each to hold Jack and Sam back after she attempted to get a blood sample from them without the girls' or parents' permission.

**312) Do not discuss your sex life in front of visiting Alien dignitaries**.

Sam and Dr. Marie Brown were complaining about Jack and Sergeant Kasprick. This rule went up after Marie cried out loudly in disgust, "I can't believe he "yadda-yaddaed" our sex life!" in front of the new representatives from Allaris.

313) Stop trying to prove the "Da Vinci Code" exists by using the Ancient data bases.

Three scholars had to be sent to the Asgard home world after the movie came out.

**314) You cannot call "dibs" on SG-13 at the beginning of the work day.**

SG-12 had begun checking the list of teams going off world at the beginning of each day. When they saw they were going out when SG-1, SG-1.5 (who technically did not exist or were even scheduled for anything other than training with SG-11), SG-2 and SG-3 all had missions, they proceeded to commandeer the P.A. system and proclaim "Dibs on SG-13 today!" Other teams then began doing the same. It had gotten to the point where teams actually started fights when General Landry stepped in.

**315) The moon is not a parking lot.**

**a) Will the Asgard please move their spaceships?**

**b) As well as the Free Jaffa.**

**c) NASA is starting to get suspicious people.**

The Asgard, Jaffa, and the Tok'ra had begun leaving their spaceships on the moon before beaming down to the SGC. NASA had been contacting the Pentagon and NORAD wondering why they were seeing strange craters developing lately.

**316) You did not beat a Prior with your "elite ninja kung-fu."**

**a) Sam doesn't like people mocking her inventions.**

**b) So knock it off SG-19!**

**317) Don't mock the Atlantis knitting club.**

**a) Or the sewing club.**

**b) Who do you think does your mending? And makes us the nice warm mittens?**

**c) They also have long needles.**

**318) Do not use lab animals against people with phobias.**

**a) It's cruel.**

**Dr. Seller opened** her locker to find one of the purple rats from P66-R3J in her shoes. Her screams were heard for six levels.

**319) When Floppy is snarling, leave him alone.**

Some people just don't have any survival instincts.

**320) Mouse traps, while effective for keeping sugar-hungry astro-physicists out of your candy stash, tend to get in the way when you are trying to find extra clips during a wraith attack.**

The mouse traps were great for keeping Rodney away from Sheppard's Milk Duds, they made it very hard to kill the bad guys.

_**-End Page 16-**_

**A/N 2:** Reviews are love people, so hit the shiny button and give me love, for my muses requires much love to convince them to be pried away from the hot cabana boys they found on their holiday! lol... oh god, I am so random...


	17. Page 17

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill by now. As always, I own nothing but Floppy and SG-3. **DustBunnyQueen** owns Skye Hammond, and Perry owns SG-13.  
**A/N:** Slowly, but surely, I am coaxing my muse off that tropical island she ran away to. I'm hoping to update all my Stargate and Buffy stories before the end of the month. Also, I have had one good and one bad review about the names of the triplets. Let me know what you think of their names.

_**-Page 17-**_

**321) SG-13 is not allowed to use "I saved your ass!" as a way to blackmail other personnel out of vacation days. **

**322) Please keep all alien technology away from the triplets. **

Atlantis had sent back several small personal pieces of technology that they could not repair themselves. Melody had managed to get into her mommy's lab without being noticed and found one that Sam had fixed. It turned out to be a personal cloaking device. In the three hours the base was searching for her, Harmony and Rhythm got a hold of a staff weapon. They took it apart, and in putting it back together, somehow increased its range by nearly forty percent and lowered its power usage by fifteen percent.

**324) On Friday the 13th, please keep your good luck charms to a minimum.**

One of the more superstitious members of SG-12 went a little overboard when he found out he was going off-world on that date. Besides wearing a lucky rabbit's foot, and a four leaf clover charm, he put a horseshoe in his rucksack, carried around a vial of holy water and tossed salt over his shoulder before entering and after emerging from the gate. He accidentally threw salt into his CO's eye, causing him to trip and somehow hit his head against the horseshoe and give himself a concussion. Things just went downhill from there.

**325) There is no official request form to have your teams' theme song changed.**

**a) How many times do we have to tell you that you don't get theme songs!**

SG-25's current theme song was 'The Safety Dance'. They wanted to change it to something more masculine and requested to have it changed to "Smack My Bitch Up."

**326) Will all undercover Trust agents please stop trying to kidnap the following people: SG-1, SG-1.5, the triplets, Thor and any visiting Tok'ra. **

**a) The president is sick and tired of dealing with you guys. He has authorized us to shoot you on sight if we want to. **

**b) With anything. **

**c) Including T.R.E.'s.**

_(Have you ever seen what they do to the human body? It's not pretty, but so satisfying. -Sam)_

((**A/N**: **Youko Rayah** gave me this idea. When I read their suggestion I burst out laughing and didn't stop for almost five minutes.))

**327) Make no assumptions about gender.**

This rule could be referring to the Asgaard, but more likely refers to the fact that Floppy is now the proud mommy of four cute, fluffy, and vicious little Jackalopes. Apparently, Floppy must have spent some "private time" with one of the rabbits in the bio-labs.

**328) The use of "puppy dog eyes" on your superior officer and co-workers is not allowed. **

**a) Or on your baby-sitter.**

This rule was e-mailed directly to Sam, Janet, Carolyn Lam, Skye, Allison, Marie, Teyla, Elizabeth and Laura Cadman. When Jack, Cam, Daniel, John, Carson, Rodney, Sergeant Perry Kasprick, General Landry and General Hammond got together and realized exactly how often they had been played, they were not too happy. This rule was later told directly to the Triplets after they convinced their baby-sitters Bra'tac and Teal'c to let them drive the Tel tac.

**329) When sharing a body with someone please play nicely. **

**a) And don't try to confuse people.**

**(And also, don't do things that would result in the PROPER owner of the body being mocked! -Rodney)**

**330) Dinosaurs are to be treated with fear and respect.**

SGA-1 made sure to hammer this one into the heads of the entire expedition after showing them Ronan Dex's pterodactyl bite.

**331) No more blowing up suns. **

**a) Or solar systems.**

Rodney had blown up one sun, including about three quarters of its solar system. Sam was now on her way to half a dozen stars.

**332) Even the Ancients did stupid things. Learn from them. **

**a) Because you are not necessarily smarter than them. **

**b) this means you Rodney!**

Building a base on a volcano came quickly to mind, second only to Rodney thinking he can access the sub-space field of the Pegasus galaxy.

**333) Don't mock the improvised repairs of Atlantis.**

John just couldn't stop laughing after he saw Rodney and Zelenka had fixed the cloak on a jumper with duct tape, hanger wire, three hair pins and super glue.

**334) Please do not leave your team mates on a planet full of children for more than twenty-four hours.**

The first thing Zelenkia did after taking a very long shower when he came back from M7G 677 was e-mail this rule via the Deadelus to Earth for immediate posting.

**335) Please keep all wires off the floor and out of jumping range.**

While Floppy knew better than to chew on wires, (which she learned after a mild electrocution on her fifth day living on-base) her apparently teething offspring, did not.

**336) Don't pick the locks on Sam's office. **

**a) She has it booby-trapped.**

Turns out Trust operatives don't like to be dyed purple from head to toe.

**337) Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean you should blow it up**.

After Jack suggested the SGC blow up three separate things, on three different planets when her heard the science department couldn't figure any of them out, Sam went down and posted this.

**338) Just because it's written in Ancient, doesn't mean you have to immediately give it to Daniel.**

_(I'm over-worked enough as it is with out people from two galaxies pawning their work off on me! Besides, there are dozens of other people here that read Ancient! -Daniel) _

**339) You cannot put off any medical appointments. **

**a) For reasons of Nation Security. **

**b) And the safety of the SGC and Atlantis. **

**c) Not only from alien diseases and foot-hold situations, but from the wrath of Dr. Janet Frasier.**

After Col. Caldwell turned out to be a Gou'ald Trust agent, the SGC did a crack-down on all personnel who had missed any appointments. Three more were found: the secretary to Gen. Landry, Major Seamus Harper of SG-5 and Dr. Stacey Deluca.

**340) Refrain from using Disney analogies during briefings. **

**a) And Lord of The Rings. **

**b) Actually, don't use any movies, books, or television shows. **

**c) It confuses people when they have no idea what you're talking about.**

**_-End Page 17-_**

**A/N 2**: Well, this is probably the last page before I go to the convention. I'm going to try and get one more up before I go so it will be an even number (Yay OCD!), as soon as I can. I'll also be posting this as "completed" when I get back, as I plan on having this as well as my two other major Stargate fic printed off in a handy-dandy professional looking handboook format. But fear not! I'll write a sequel! Or something with equal insanity... But, anyways, hit the shiny button that says "GO", because reviews are love!

**A/N 3**: I'll also be setting up a paypal account so that once I get my three fics edited and printed out, people will be able to order their own copies, and in co-operation with international copywrite laws (because law suits are no ones friend... especially mine because I'm really, _**really**_ broke!), they will be sold at-cost plus shipping costs. But, don't get all excited, I won't be doing this until the end of the month. I want to try and get a few copies signed by the cast for special give-aways and such.

_-Much love!_

_Katherine _(a.k.a _gothfeary_)


	18. Page 18

**Disclaimer:** You all know the drill…

**A/N:** Well, this is one first update since I got back from the Stargate convention in Vancouver, Canada. And like I said I would do, I had the last 17 pages printed out and "published." In doing so, I found out that the numbering was all messed up! Arrg!!! _-Pulls out hair- _

So if anyone orders a bound and printed copy when I make them available, they will find that the first two rules of this page (which have been re-numbered properly, even though it may not seem like it) are in the first edition of the published version.

And, yes, I know. It took me long enough.

**A/N 2:** I also refuse to believe any of the last episode of SG-1, "Unending." Why, you ask? **_BECAUSE IT WAS ALL LIES!!!_** I refuse to believe that the Asgard died. If you want to know my reasoning, just message me, because it's along and rant filled argument. And the part where Daniel freaked on Vala and was really mean, then started making out with her? So not cannon!!! So I'm moving to the land of De-Nile, and anyone who wants to come with is more than welcome. Now, on with the fic...

**_-Page 18- _**

**339) Explosive tumors are not funny.**

_(You try having to remove one before it blows up you and part of a city! –Carson)_

The SGC was very carful about tumors now after Carson nearly died in the hand off of an explosive tumor.

**340) If Atlantis is being attacked, please don't play R.E.M.'s "It's The End of The World as We Know It" throughout the whole city**.

_(Hey! I was playing the Great Big Sea version! –Rodney)_

But it was so appropriate, it was almost scary.

**341) Two Rodney's are not better than one.**

**a) They are just more annoying.**

This went up the second "Rod" left Atlantis.

**342) Listen to the things in your dreams.**

**a) It's how we found Atlantis.**

**b) And Merlin's weapon.**

**c) Do we still need to go on?**

**343) Replicators are bad.**

**a) No matter what galaxy they are from.**

The idea that any Replicator in any galaxy could herald good news was just insane.

**344) Don't leave shiny things alone with Vala. **

Old habits die hard. But thankfully, metal detectors are everywhere. Vala is now banned from three different malls in Colorado Springs.

**345) Dragons are dangerous, even if they are holograms. Run when you see them.**

Dr. Marie Brown, Dr. Lydia Winter and the base D & D club pouted for two weeks when SG-1 came back from looking for the Grail and hadn't called them in to see it.

**346) Don't mention an alternate reality Carter that is married to Rodney McKay.**

**a) It creeps people out.**

**b) And occasionally makes our Carter want to throw up.**

Actually, it just made almost everyone want to throw up.

**347) Don't mock peoples names.**

_(I'm sorry Meredith.-John)_

_(Shut up! And it's Rodney! –Rodney)_

**348) The Ancients did REALLY stupid things. So don't just turn Ancient devices on!**

**a) Ask before you press the random buttons you find!**

Once again, coming back to the Explosive Tumors, this rule was posted after Carson heard that some of the Scientists wanted to turn it on to see exactly how it worked. Dr. Weir left her office when she heard and personally smacked each of them upside the head.

**349) Hock'tars are to be prevented from becoming hosts at all costs.**

**a) Both Daniel and Cassandra count as advanced humans.**

**b) And Jack.**

**c) As well as John, or "Mini Jack."**

When Ba'al took Adria as a host, it promised to be all kind of bad news. Thankful, Adria was able to destroy him.

**350) Watch out for evil clones.**

**a) As well as evil Alternate Universe doubles.**

**b) And evil robot doubles.**

Ba'al had at least over a dozen known clones; Carter had that evil Replicator double. And now Atlantis found out the "cool Rodney" was from an alternate universe that really was prone to revenge. They successfully fended off three attacks until the alternates gave up.

**351) Don't take hostages. It leads to all kinds of badness.**

SG-1 got into the dumbest and stupidest situations. They were only matched by the Atlantis expedition and occasionally SG-3.

**352) Be careful who gets re-assigned.**

**a) It could end badly.**

**b) For everyone.**

SG-3 was re-assigned to Atlantis. Dr. Weir sent them back after only a week. Rodney was in therapy after having to work with Dr. Brown, her very dirty and perverted mind had scared him. John, Cam and Dave blew up one of the piers and Blair ended up with food poisoning with Ronan after an eating contest.

**353) Don't threaten the turtles.**

**a) Carson will hunt you down.**

**b) And Janet will be his back-up.**

Fear the medical staff, for they have needles and can work Ancient technology to find you.

**354) The Unit does not count as training material.**

**a) Don't try and say it is.**

**b) Stay on task people!**

SGC personnel got distracted very easily and felt the need to justify it.

**355) Stop making "Snakes on a Plane" jokes while on the Apollo.**

**a) Or on the Odyssey.**

**b) Or in the F302's.**

**356) Pac Man is not one of the life forms we have encountered.**

**a) Nor is Mrs. Pac Man.**

**b) So don't keep asking!**

Not everything on Earth can be traced back to an alien influence. But it seemed that SG-18 was convinced that it was, after all look at the evidence: ancient mythology, Arthur, Merlin, Morgan LeFey, and Roswell Grey Aliens, just to name a few. Secretly, many at the SGC were thinking the same thing.

**357) Do not alter the fabric of reality.**

It is fine just the way it is, thank you very much.

**358) Lap tops are compatible with every thing.**

**a) As long as you have at least one cable.**

**b) But you don't need any if you're Sam or Rodney.**

Their skills were legendary, and absolutely insane. Even the Asgard needed at least half dozen cables to interface with Ancient technology. **359) Shopping online using SGC issued credit cards is not an acceptable use of time or resources.**

**a) Stop it Vala!**

**b) Sam you are not allowed to show Vala anything anymore.**

**360) Stop messing with Teal'c and General O'Neil by making them think they are repeating the same day over and over.**

_(It's just cruel. –Jack) _

**_-End Page 18-_**

**A/N 3:** You know what comes next, don't you? Show me love and give reviews!


	19. Page 19 Major Movie Spoilers

**_A/N:_** Well... you will never believe what I just saw.

**_THE ARK OF TRUTH!!!_** Oh yes, dear readers, I found a pre-release copy online at So I will warn you now, this page has **_MAJOR SPOILERS_**.

You have been warned. gothfeary

**_-Page 19-_**

A grumbeling and bruised Col. Mitchell stormed to the Mess as soon as Dr. Lam released him.This was a man with a purpose, and all would know it a few moments after he left the Rules board.

There in perminant red marker for the whole base to see, and taking up the whole fresh page in big bold letters was this:

**361) REPLICATORS ARE NEVER AN OPTION!!!!**

**a) EVER!**

**b) And the I.O.A are MORONS!**

**c) Stay the HELL away from the Asgard Core.**

**d) And Terminator style replicators are REALLY never an optioins.**

After SG-1 retuned from the Ori galaxy and told the president, Jack, and Hammond what happened... well, there was quite a bit of violence.

The President bitch slapped ever member of the committee. Jack hit them with a sock full of dead replicatior blocks. Hammoned just yelled for three hours. And Melody, Harmony and Rythem had no idea what the stuffy people did to make Daddy, Grampa George and Mr. Uncle President so mad, but they put in their two cents and kicked them in the shins with their pointy little shoes.

Promptly after... the Committee members were all replaced.

**_-End Page 19-_**


	20. Page 20

A/N: Well, I'm back ladies and gents. Here you go, have fun. And don't forget to review!

**_-Page 20-_**

**362) Rodney, you are not a "dead man".**

**a) Stop looking for pity and go get Sam or Radek to fix it.**

To call Rodney paranoid is an insult to paranoid people. Rodney makes paranoia his religion!

**363) "Goth Night" is not to continue on base.**

Marie Brown, Major Dave King, Sarget Sean Spearman and cook Justin Walker all ended up called back to the SGC for an emergency meeting of Alien allies. Rather than bother to change, they decided to freak out the Asgard. It worked. But alas, they were defeated in a scary way. Anise demanded to be included in the next Goth Night.

**364) There is no proof the Xerxes was a Gou'ald.**

_(So turn off the DVD and stop bugging me!- Daniel)_

_(And no, I won't ask Daniel to approve your trip to Greece so you can "research"! -Marie!)_

_(But there might be treasure! -Vala!)_

_(No. -Daniel)_

_(How about fifty-fifty Mar, a girls night out?-Vala)_

**365) The SGC does not participate in "Take your Kid to Work Day".**

**a) Except for the triplets.**

**b) For reasons of national security.**

**366) The SGC will not buy a Nascar Team.**

Kasprick and Major Dave King of SG-13 felt it would be a good way for the program to go public. They also felt Thor would make a good driver.

_(The guy weighs like 10 pounds! He would fly at qualifying! -Kasprick)_

_(Please tell him no General.-Dr. Brown)_

_(It's a bad idea. -General Landry)_

_(Dude, your girl friend is such a kill joy sometimes.-King)_

**367) Stop getting drunk and singing loudly while on base.**

It was really Vala's birthday this time, and SG-1, 2, 3, 13 and the gate techsthrew her a liquor laced party. Dr. Brown, Danieland SG-13 proceeded to teach everyone all the celtic and folk drinking songs they could think of. A slurred version of "Excursion around the Bay" was heard for three levels.

**368) The triplets are to be PROPERLY supervised at all times when using the new Asgard replicator systems.**

When they were first installed, no one realized exactly what three little girls could use it for. When Sam told the girls, now 4 years old, to go have lunch with Feretti and SG-2 in the mess, she was too occupied with trying to de-activate Mel's tamagotchi to remember how bad an influence Feretti was. Three hours later, when she was called down to the infirmary, she found them all being treated for tummy aches. Apparently, all they ate was ice cream, candy and doughnuts. Sam was not at all impressed, and told all exactly how unimpressed she was for an hour.

**369) Don't eat the "Ben and Jerry's" now stocked in cold storage room 4.**

**a) It's for the Nox!**

**b) And Atlantis.**

**c) So hands off!**

_(I only get one pint of Chunky Monkey a month! An ice cream depried geniusmakes mistakes! Mistakes that leave you stranded on an icey planet, naked! -Rodney)_

In exchange for yummy ice cream, the Nox have agreed to begin teaching Sam, here on Earth, and Rodney on Atlantis how to build Stargates. Rodney, not surprisingly, was irritable (well, more so than normal) and oddly enough Lya as well. It tended to give the science team headaches.

**370) The "Bruce Campbell" school of thought is not a good way to fight the Wraith.**

SGA-8 had a new member. Lt. Angelica Northam was a big Bruce Campbell fan, and believed quite firmly tht an "Evil Dead" fighting approach was best. She argued with both Dr. Weir and General O'Neill over the fact that she wanted to be issued a shotgun and have someone design her a compact, light weight, titanium toothed, naquada powered chain saw. After being denied (for the eighth time) she stormed off muttering about evil duplicates and being unprepared.

**371) Star Trek Voyager jokes. No.**

**a) Just no.**

**b) Never.**

_(Why did Woolsey put this up? -Daniel)_

_(Oh, come on Danny! Don't you watch any Sci-fi? -Jack)_

_(He does indeed resemble Robert Picardo a great deal. -Teal'c)_

_(Who did he play? -Feretti)_

_(The Doctor, you know the hologram? -Sam)_

_(Holy Stolen Faces Batman! You're right! -Dr. Lydia Winter)_

**372) Only Laura Cadman is allowed to call Carson her "Yummy Scottish Snicker Doodle."**

**a) And only Elizabeth can call Rodney "MerBear".**

Let's be fair now... they were drunk. Girls poker night just got out of hand that night, once again.

**373) Please do not set your cell phone ring tune to the "Wormhole X-Treme" theme song.**

**a) Are you trying to send SG-1 into a homicidal rage?**

**b) They will hurt you.**

**374) Sick Days are not to be used so you can go to the "Wormhole X-Treme" convention.**

After half the science department, a third of the SG teams and General Landry himself called in "sick", operations were literally completely shut down, everyone sent home (except Walter who wouldn't let got of his chair and Siler who cried and clung desperately to the gate) and this rule posted. Thankfully, no one attacked Earth.

(**A/N**: Thanks to **jainga** for the next one!)

**375) No cursing any where near the SGC Nursery!**

**a) No mater what language it is.**

**b) Jack may have no clue what his children are saying, but Sam can make Daniel tell her...**

**376) Fake Iratus bugs are not funny!**

_(I thought you all got the memo that said it never happened! -John)_

Strategically hidden around Atlantis were several life like fake Iratus bugs. John had the misfortune of triggering a spring loaded one hidden in the armory. With no idea who planted them, he took out on the whole city, and is now as feared as Rodney with out coffee or ice cream! Meanwhile, back on Earth SG-3was sniggering in the safety of the mess.

**377) Don't mess with the pregnant lady.**

**a) Don't interfere when a pregnant lady is eating.**

**b) Don't steal a pregnant lady's popcorn.**

**c) And NEVER eat the last of the popcorn!**

Kavanaugh took Teyla's popcorn when she got up to get some milk. The last of her popcorn. The last of the popcorn ANYWHERE in Atlantis. When she came back and found him popping the last kernel into his mouth, he knew he was in for a world of hurt from that look in her eyes. He managed to run away and get his hands on a personal shield. Seventeen hours later Teyla had him cornered in McKay's lab and is still currently hitting the shield non-stop with a fighting stick hoping to run it down. So far she has traded off with Ronon twice for naps.

(**_A/N_**: Special thanks to Skye for these last four! She helped me get of my lazy butt and post this!)

**378) Stop trying to turn the MALP's into Transformers!**

**a) Same with the puddle jumpers!**

_(You have to admit...that IS pretty cool! -Jack)_

_(Don't encourage them! -Sam)_

After seeing the new live-action Transformers movie, the science departments on Earth and Atlantis decided to turn the MALP's and Puddle Jumpers into transforming vehicles. As a result a new movie was added to the Banned list and the scientists are forbidden from watching sci-fi movies for a month.

**379) The alien mind control device is not a toy!**

_(I wasn't using it as a toy! I was using it as a means of revenge! -Skye)_

_(I don't know whether to be pissed or proud. -Gen. Hammond.)_

_(PROUD! -SGC)_

Kinsey made a surprise visit to the SGC and, since General Hammond was no longer in charge, decided to insult it's founding CO. Including calling him a 'poor excuse for an inept leader' and 'a hedonistic moron with the brain capacity of a gnat'. Skye heard this and was livid. Since she couldn't physically beat the man into a pulp, she decided on the next best thing. Humiliation on a global scale. During Kinsey's live press conference (that was held in the nearby town), Skye 'borrowed' a newly found mind control device of unknown origin. She proceeded to hijack Kinsey's brain and made him sing 'I'm a little teapot', 'Milkshakes', 'The Beer Song' and 'They're taking the hobbits to Isengard'. She was saluted by everyone at the SGC for a month afterward.

**380) Anyone wishing for a copy of 'Kinsey Idol', please see Skye in the commissary.**

_(Never humiliate your enemy in public. Do it where the whole world can see! -Skye)_

_(You are evil. -Daniel)_

_(I'm not evil, I'm morally challenged. And that's what she gets for insulting my uncle! -Skye)_

Skye had recorded Kinsey's brain-jacked press conference and was selling copies. The copies were selling like mad; even the president called to order a copy, and congratulate her on a job well done.

**381) Don't play "entrance songs" when people come through the gate!**

_(It made her leave didn't it?! -Walter)_

_(And got us bitched out by the council later! -Jack)_

Walter knew Anise would be visiting the SGC in the near future, so he rigged the loudspeakers to play 'Dude Looks Like a Lady'. Anise promptly turned on her heels and stormed back through the gate, earning Walter a round of beer at the bar...and General Landry a lecture from the Tok'ra council.

**_-End Page 20-_**


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